Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) 3D Review

Rated PG-13 (Sci-Fi Action Violence)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 41 Minutes

Cast-

Megan Fox-April O'Neil

Will Arnett-Vernon Fenwick

William Fichtner-Eric Sacks

Pete Ploszek/Johnny Knoxville (voice)-Leonardo

Alan Ritchson-Raphael

Noel Fisher-Michelangelo

Jeremy Howard-Donatello

Danny Woodburn/Tony Shalhoub (voice)-Splinter

Tohoru Masamune-The Shredder

Minae Noji-Karai

Whoopi Goldberg-Bernadette Thompson

Abby Elliott-Taylor

K. Todd Freeman-Dr. Baxter Stockman

Paul Fitzgerald-Dr. O'Neil

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman

What the hell are these grotesque monstrosities?

Note: Screened on Wednesday, August 6, 2014 at Regal E-Walk Stadium 13.

'Hey dude, this is no cartoon!' Released back in late March of 1990, the big-screen, live-action debut of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles—helmed by Billie Jean music video director Steve Barron—grossed over $25.4 million during its opening weekend. That amount may not seem like much today but twenty-four years ago, it was the fifth biggest opening weekend of all time. With a production budget of $13.5 million, the New Line Cinema release went on to earn $201.9 million worldwide. That's a whopping $368.3 million when adjusted for inflation! At the time, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" was the second highest-grossing independent film and the ninth highest-grossing film worldwide. In other words, it was pretty damn impressive, box office-wise. Critical reception, however, was mixed and it currently has a mere 40% on Rotten Tomatoes. Of course, those who grew up with Barron's film (like me) absolutely adored it. Obviously, it's no cinematic masterpiece but it has a charming, playful spirit and didn't take itself too seriously. Two sequels—1991's "The Secret of the Ooze" and 1993's "Turtles in Time"—were released yet they failed to recapture the magic of the original. Although the Turtles brand remained popular thanks to a combination of television shows, video games, action figures, and comic books, no more movies were made, with the exception of the 2007 one-off CG animated film from Kevin Munroe. Continuing Hollywood's recent trend of 'everything old must be new again,' we now have a new live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, courtesy of producer Michael Bay and hack director Jonathan Liebesman, whose credits include the 2011 cinematic abomination "Battle: Los Angeles" and 2012's forgettable "Wrath of the Titans." Liebesman's "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" may be backed up by a $125 million budget and state-of-the-art motion capture technology but it doesn't change the fact that this is one of the laziest reboots in recent memory as story and character development are thrown out the window in favor of incoherent noise, noise, and more noise.

New York City finds itself in the midst of a deadly crime wave perpetrated by the mysterious 'Shredder' (Tohoru Masamune) and his evil minions known as the Foot Clan. Yearning to be taken seriously as a journalist, plucky News Channel Six reporter April O'Neil (Megan Fox) sets out on her own with exasperated cameraman Vernon Fenwick (Will Arnett) to crack the case on the powerful crime syndicate. However, April gets more than she bargained for when she is rescued during a Foot Clan attack by Leonardo (Pete Ploszek, voiced by Johnny Knoxville), Raphael (Alan Ritchson), Michelangelo (Noel Fisher), and Donatello (Jeremy Howard), four hulking, colorfully-masked, mutated turtles trained in the martial art of ninjutsu by their rat sensei Splinter (Danny Woodburn, voiced by Tony Shalhoub). Realizing that the quartet were the pets she lost as a child, April turns her attention to billionaire industrialist Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), who used to work with her deceased scientist father on a strange mutagen, the very same mutagen that Shredder is looking to get his hands on!

Megan Fox surprisingly doesn't embarrass herself as April O'Neil.

Created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird in 1984, the original black-and-white incarnation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was meant to be a parody of four of the most popular comics at the time: Marvel's Daredevil and New Mutants, Dave Sim's Cerebus, and Frank Miller's Ronin. As a result, the tone was more overtly violent but all that changed when the Turtles exploded in popularity thanks to the 1987 animated series developed by David Wise, which severely toned down the 'grim-and-gritty' aspects of the comic book and turned the four heroes in a half-shell into the lovable characters they are today (by the way, that catchy theme song was written and composed by none other than Chuck Lorre, creator of the television shows "Two and a Half Men" and "The Big Bang Theory"). Since then, the Turtles have remained a permanent fixture in pop culture, with Nickelodeon's current CG-animated series—which debuted in 2012—becoming a big hit amongst viewers young and old. Following their purchase of the property from Mirage Studios in 2009, Nickelodeon announced that they would produce a new film with Paramount Pictures. Unfortunately, controversy quickly arose when Michael Bay and his production company Platinum Dunes became involved. Negative buzz continued to dog the project, with the fan community erupting in anger when the Turtles' origins were reportedly changed, having them come from an alien race instead of mutating from an ooze-like material. So the biggest question revolving around Liebesman's film is whether these are the same Turtles that you grew up with. Well, I'll say this: the answer doesn't matter because ten years from now, all of this will be rebooted again anyway.

At least my fellow Ninja Turtles fans can breathe easy because the titular characters are thankfully NOT aliens and are still products of mutation. However, the green ooze that transforms them is revealed to come from an extraterrestrial source, which is actually true to the original Mirage comic book. Sadly, everything else has been radically revamped as the script—written by Josh Appelbaum, André Nemec, and Evan Daugherty—works in a convoluted backstory that ties in April O'Neil's childhood with the Turtles, whose creation is now no longer a freak accident. The biggest problem with this new origin is that it results in a film that constantly has to explain itself, as if it's embarrassed by its very premise. Do we really need to know why the Turtles are named after Italian Renaissance painters? Or why they love pizza so much? Or why Shredder's armor looks like a mangled mess of Ginsu knives? There's so much plot and so much exposition that character development is virtually nonexistent.

The pacing is also quicker than a high-speed fiber optics cable, which means the story has no proper build-up to anything at all and once the explanations end, the film just dives into an extended climax packed with poorly-lit and over-edited action scenes that are made worse by the sub-par 3D conversion. As if that wasn't enough, the final twenty minutes are practically lifted verbatim from the first "Amazing Spider-Man" film! None of this would be such a big issue if the picture was remotely fun to watch but Liebesman's direction is all flash and no substance, leaving behind a bland, lifeless late-summer blockbuster that's indistinguishable from the other noisy blockbusters that Michael Bay has made. In fact, Bay might as well have directed this reboot because Liebesman is nothing more than a figurehead. Yes, the action is technically superior here but the 1990 original had a good-natured charm yet remained surprisingly thoughtful in its storytelling. Even the partially animatronic suits created by Jim Henson's Creature Shop look better than the CGI monstrosities on display in Liebesman's film.

The Shredder really loves his Ginsu knives!

Despite bearing the title "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," the four heroes in a half-shell are little more than glorified supporting characters in their own film. They exist only to pummel Foot Clan thugs, crack lame jokes, and make dated pop culture references. Rendered via CGI and motion capture, these towering creatures are quite frankly ugly to look at and are liable to give kids nightmares. Personality-wise, these are the same Turtles we've grown up with, although Raphael has been given a double-dose of angst. The story does a good enough job selling the Turtles as a tight-knit group of brothers. However, it fails to establish them as distinct individuals. One head-scratching aspect is Johnny Knoxville as the voice of Leonardo. It's readily apparent that the "Jackass" veteran is bored out of his mind, which leads me to wonder why Liebesman even bothered to cast him in the first place. The human characters fare slightly better, with Megan Fox delivering a better-than-expected performance as April O'Neil. Sure, the film finds eye-rolling excuses to get the camera aimed on her derriere but Fox fortunately doesn't embarrass herself. I can't say the same for Will Arnett as Vernon Fenwick. His character is meant to be the comic relief yet every joke and one-liner lands with a complete thud. William Fichtner largely hams it up as villainous billionaire Eric Sacks and no, he's not the Shredder. Whoopi Goldberg also briefly pops up as April's boss Bernadette Thompson. Guess those paychecks from "The View" haven't been enough.

Released on August 8, 2014, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with 20% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics noted that the film was not 'remarkably awful' [but] it does 'bear the distinction of being the dullest movie ever made about talking bipedal reptiles.' Ultimately, it doesn't matter what I think because the audience at the advance screening ate the film up. In fact, this reboot is currently on track to earn over $60 million during its opening weekend and once international grosses are factored in, I imagine a sequel will be green-lit by Paramount and Nickelodeon pretty quickly. If there's one good thing I can say about "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," it's that it doesn't inspire the same level of intense hatred I had for June's "Transformers: Age of Extinction." Liebesman's film at least had the good sense to not overstay its welcome. Unfortunately, everything else is so aggressively mediocre and perfunctory. There's no passion, no creativity to be found here; just soulless cash-grabbing from parents and nostalgic adults alike.

Final Rating: 2 out of 5

"You live, you die, you fight as brothers. Remember, nothing is as strong as family."