The Expendables Review

Rated R (Strong Action and Bloody Violence Throughout, and for Some Language)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 43 Minutes

Cast-

Sylvester Stallone-Barney Ross

Jason Statham-Lee Christmas

Jet Li-Yin Yang

Dolph Lundgren-Gunner Jensen

Randy Couture-Toll Road

Terry Crews-Hale Caesar

Mickey Rourke-Tool

Eric Roberts-James Munroe

Steve Austin-Dan Paine

David Zayas-General Garza

Giselle Itié-Sandra

Charisma Carpenter-Lacy

Bruce Willis-Mr. Church

Arnold Schwarzenegger-Trench

Directed by Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone tries to reclaim his action hero glory in "The Expendables."

As the summer movie season winds down, we have one last highly anticipated film, "The Expendables," an ensemble action film that pays homage to the blockbuster action flicks of the 1980s and early 1990s. Sylvester Stallone (who both stars and directs) has gathered an impressive cast that would make any action junkie salivate, but unfortunately, the whole affair frankly comes off as stupid. While the story provides a good enough excuse for a bunch of men to blow stuff up, the dialogue is excruciating, and the violence so pointless and numb-inducing that a more appropriate name for this film would be “Things Blow Up Until You Go Deaf and Your IQ Drops 200 Points." Take away the big-name cast and what you have here would barely qualify as a straight-to-DVD release.

Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) leads a group of mercenaries dubbed 'The Expendables,' whose members include former SAS agent Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), martial artist Yin Yang (Jet Li), heavy weapons-wielder Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), Toll Road (Randy Couture) and drug-addled Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren). After putting down a group of Somali pirates, Gunner gets into an altercation with Barney and attacks Yin, leading to his expulsion from the team. Back in the US, former Expendables member Tool (Mickey Rourke) sets up a meeting between the mysterious Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) and a former rival of Barney's named Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Church wants a ruthless dictator, General Garza (David Zayas) of the (fictional) island nation of Vilena, out of the picture but Trench declines the job, citing that he is 'too busy.' Barney accepts and prepares for the mission by doing recon work with Lee. They meet their contact, the beautiful Sandra (Gisele Itié), whom Barney immediately becomes smitten with. When the General's soldiers suddenly attack, the three are forced to make an explosive escape. However, Sandra refuses to leave as she is determined to help her people. Her dedication gives Barney an epiphany and he decides to complete the job not for the money but to do what is right. He, along with the rest of the Expendables, lay siege to the General's mansion in order to brings his accomplice, a rogue CIA agent named James Munroe (Eric Roberts), to justice.

The plot of "The Expendables" is nothing more than a flimsy excuse to cause some mayhem, and it succeeds for the most part. Yet, it could've been something much more as there's one scene where Rourke's character tearfully laments about how senseless violence can damage a man's soul and make him numb to other people's suffering. This is as close to the film gets to providing some semblance of meaning but it is gone all too soon because apparently, emotion has no place in a macho-man flick like this. Hell, everyone might as well be in a d*ck-measuring contest since all the characters are obsessed with trying to prove how 'manly' they are. At one point, Lee visits his former girlfriend Lacy (Charisma Carpenter) and finds out that her new boyfriend is physically abusive towards her. To show that he's a 'man,' he goes off and beats the crap out of him because that's how chivalrous he is. The dialogue is atrocious, which is a given since Stallone has a story credit. It's full of male posturing and action movie clichés that we've all seen before, making the whole affair generic and predictable. As for the much-hyped scene with Stallone, Willis, and Schwarzenegger, it barely lasts five minutes and while it provides a few chuckles, it all feels rather anti-climactic given how much focus this moment was in the trailers. Character development is nil because no one needs that in a film like this and audiences looking for that are apparently not man enough to see "The Expendables." Given the amount of talent that Stallone was working with, it all just feels like a missed opportunity.

The acting mostly consists of the cast members shouting all their lines, with Mickey Rourke being the sole actor to deliver an actual performance. The only people given any significant screen-time are Stallone, Statham, and Li. The others don't even show up until the last thirty minutes, not enough time to flesh out their paper-thin, steroid-infused personalities. Also, why is Li's character named Yin Yang? They couldn't think of something better so resorted to the most stereotypical Asian name possible? Finally, the main villain—played by Eric Roberts—hams it up in a performance fit for a straight-to-DVD flick.

As for the action scenes, it'll leave you brain-dead and deaf at the same time as explosion upon deafening explosion is piled on top of each other. The violence comes close to approaching self-parody as limbs are blown off, snapped off, and shot off. The final thirty minutes are a mess. It's often hard to tell who is shooting at whom due to the haphazard, vomit-inducing editing. It might make Michael Bay proud but since we're not emotionally invested in what's happening, why should we even care? Watching Stallone huff and puff as he runs to catch a small airplane while getting shot at by dozens of faceless men, it seems like he's running to reclaim his former action hero glory. Let's be realistic here, this guy is one year away from qualifying for a monthly Social Security check.

"The Expendables" was released into theaters on August 13, 2010 and has received mixed reviews with 44% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics noted that 'it makes good on the old-school action it promises, but given all the talent on display, [the film] should hit harder.' Audience reception was largely enthusiastic as they whooped and cheered at all the over-the-top violence on display. Given the buzz around the film, I'm predicting a $30 to $35 million opening weekend unless "Eat Pray Love" surprises since there hasn't been a hit movie for female audiences this summer. "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" is only going to appeal to a niche audience despite the fact that it has the best reviews out of this weekend's new releases. "The Expendables" is a futile attempt to reclaim the glory of a bygone era and while it's fun to see all these action stars on-screen, the novelty soon wears off as there's nothing here remotely worth watching. The dialogue is cringe-inducing and the violence is just so loud and mindless that it's liable to cause brain damage and your ears to bleed. This is nothing but a straight-to-DVD film with a (mostly) all-star cast.

Final Rating: 1.5 out of 5

"I promised myself, I'm gonna die for something that counts."