Texas Chainsaw 3D Review

Rated R (Strong Grisly Violence and Language Throughout)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 32 Minutes

Cast-

Alexandra Daddario-Heather Miller

Tremaine Neverson-Ryan

Tania Raymonde-Nikki

Keram Malicki-Sánchez-Kenny

Shaun Sipos-Darryl

Scott Eastwood-Deputy Carl Hartman

Paul Rae-Burt Hartman

Ritchie Montgomery-Ollie

Thom Barry-Sheriff Hooper

James MacDonald-Officer Marvin

Richard Riehle-Farnsworth

David Born-Gavin Miller

Sue Rock-Arlene Miller

Dan Yeager-Jeb Sawyer/Leatherface

Bill Moseley-Drayton Sawyer

Dodie L. Brown-Loretta Sawyer

John Dugan-Grandpa Sawyer

Gunnar Hansen-Jeb Sawyer/Leatherface (archive footage only)

Marilyn Burns-Grandma Verna/Sally Hardesty (archive footage only)

Directed by John Luessenhop

Why do girls in horror movies never wear proper clothing?

Note: At AMC Empire 25.

As a film critic, I always try to maintain a neutral stance and avoid forming any preconceived notions but sometimes, you just know when a film is going to turn out terrible. The first weekend of January has traditionally been one of the worst to open a new film (remember last year's "The Devil Inside"?) and 2013 does not buck that trend with the release of "Texas Chainsaw 3D." Due to poor marketing, I initially believed it to be another reboot but it is actually a direct sequel to Tobe Hooper's original 1974 film, ignoring its three sequels and the 2003/2006 Platinum Dunes entries. With 91% on Rotten Tomatoes, Hooper's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is frequently hailed as a classic in the slasher subgenre; its relentless brutality during the last thirty minutes approaches cinema verité and makes the film even more terrifying because it never strays too far from potential reality. The same cannot be said for "Texas Chainsaw 3D," an eye-rolling, utterly forgettable entry that will only appeal to the lowest common denominator. It's only four days into 2013 and already we have an early contender for worst film of the year so congratulations, director John Luessenhop, you certainly earned it. 

Picking up where the original 1974 film left off, the police, led by Sheriff Hooper (Thom Barry), confront the Sawyer family for their role in aiding Jeb, a.k.a Leatherface (Dan Yeager), in his countless murders. Hooper manages to get Drayton Sawyer (Bill Moseley) to give up Jeb without resorting to violence but the citizens of Newt, Texas take the law into their own hands and burn the Sawyer farmhouse to the ground under the orders of Burt Hartman (Paul Rae). One of the arsonists, Gavin Miller (David Born), finds a barely alive Loretta Sawyer (Dodie L. Brown) still cradling her baby. Miller takes the baby and kills Loretta with a kick to the face. He and his wife Arlene (Sue Rock) adopt the baby as their own and name her Heather. Fast forward to the present day, a now-grown up Heather (Alexandra Daddario) works in the meat section at a supermarket (how ironic). Returning home, she receives a letter stating that her grandmother Verna (Marilyn Burns) just passed away and has left her a sizable inheritance. Discovering that she was adopted from her parents, Heather decides to travel to Newt, Texas in order to learn more about her biological family. Tagging along on the trip is her boyfriend Ryan (Tremaine Neverson), and best friends Nikki (Tania Raymonde) and Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sánchez). On the way there, they pick up a hitchhiker named Darryl (Shaun Sipos), who needs a ride to Texas and even offers to pay for gas. Arriving at the address, the group is greeted by the Sawyer family attorney, Farnsworth (Richard Riehle), who gives Heather a set of keys to the estate and a letter from Verna to read immediately. However, the house is anything but peaceful when Leatherface is accidentally unleashed from his basement compound, seeking revenge on all those who killed his family. 

"Texas Chainsaw 3D" is a mess from beginning to end. Four writers (Adam Marcus, Debra Sullivan, Kirsten Elms and Stephen Susco) were responsible for the script and yet their collective brainpower still failed to come up with a remotely compelling story as they have chosen to rely on the very same clichés that last year's "Cabin in the Woods" so cleverly mocked. What's worse is that this so-called 'horror' film is a complete bore, devoid of any suspense, tension, or even scares. It would also appear that these writers have failed at basic mathematics. A montage comprised of scenes from the 1974 original (post-converted to 3D) is played during the opening credits before jumping close to four decades to the present day, which means Heather should be a forty-year-old woman but is instead still in her mid-twenties. The film tries to get around this by redacting the year when referencing events in the original despite the fact that Hooper already established that it took place in 1974! Sloppy math aside, it's hard to care about any of the characters given the vacuous dialogue, with their development going as far as their name and relation to Heather. The women, especially Nikki, are all barely wearing any clothes, with Luessenhop frequently filming at a low angle just to offer another gratuitous shot of Tania Raymonde's rear end. There is a kernel of a good idea within the story as the film attempts to put Leatherface in a more sympathetic light by having him be a victim of the town's intolerance and cruelty. Unfortunately, the writers are completely out of their depth here and they throw logic completely out the window during the ending as subplots are discarded without any rhyme or reason. Not to mention, it's difficult to feel empathy for a hulking brute that wears other people's skin as a mask. The latter half of the film is moronic to say the least, with a police deputy roaming the dark halls of the Sawyer mansion with a gun in one hand while using FaceTime on his goddamn iPhone on the other. It's a truly laughable scene but the filmmakers' incompetence doesn't end there. During a chase between Leatherface and Heather at a carnival, the good citizens of Newt don't even react to their presence. Apparently, chainsaw-wielding maniacs are nothing new for them. There's plenty of blood and gore in the film (it was initially rated NC-17), although there's little here that audiences haven't seen before. About the only praise I can muster is for the production values but it doesn't change the fact that "Texas Chainsaw 3D" belongs in the direct-to-DVD bargain bin with all the other garbage. As for the 3D, don't even bother. There's more 3D being utilized in the opening company logos then in the entire film itself. Chainsaws do pop out of the screen (twice!), invoking some old-school nostalgia when the horror flicks of yesteryear utilized the extra dimension as a gimmick. 

To quote fellow critic Brian Orndorf, 'the acting…is universally abysmal.' Alexandra Daddario has a pretty face (and an ample bosom to boot) but when your midriff-baring clothes are barely hanging onto you, it's hard to take you seriously as a heroine. The rest of the cast are inconsequential and are quickly killed off. Given how annoying they all are, I'd say they got their just comeuppances. Dan Yeager is the only standout as Leatherface, who manages to exhibit a sense of world weariness with only his eyes. There are also several cameos from Hooper's film like Gunnar Hansen (the original Leatherface!), Marilyn Burns, and John Dugan. 

Released on January 4, 2013, "Texas Chainsaw 3D" was not screened for critics and currently has a 23% on Rotten Tomatoes but that hasn't stopped audiences (especially teenagers) from seeing this terrible film. Thanks to a frontloaded opening day, the film has already recouped its $8 million production budget and there's a strong chance that it'll wind up at number one at the box office, with LionsGate estimating a $21 to $24 million debut. With so many quality films playing in theaters, I find it disheartening to see something like "Texas Chainsaw 3D" make money because it sends Hollywood a message that we'll eat up whatever garbage they feed us. Failing on every conceivable level as a film, "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is another insult to horror fans but what's worse is that there are people willing to pay to see crap like this. What a way to begin 2013.

Final Rating: 1 out of 5

"Welcome to Texas, motherf*cker!" (Again, let me remind you that it took four writers to come up with the story.)