Conan the Barbarian (2011) Review

Rated R (Strong Bloody Violence, some Sexuality and Nudity)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 52 Minutes

Cast:

Jason Momoa-Conan

Leo Howard-Young Conan

Stephen Lang-Khalar Zym

Rachel Nichols-Tamara

Rose McGowan-Marique

Ron Perlman-Corin

Nonso Anozie-Artus

Saïd Taghmaoui-Ela Shan

Steven O'Donnell-Lucius

Bob Sapp-Ukafa

Milton Welsh-Remo

Raad Rawi-Fassir

Laila Rouass-Fialla

Morgan Freeman (voice)-Narrator

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Jason Momoa's abs probably weigh more than me.

Watching the new “Conan the Barbarian” film is akin to receiving massive doses of testosterone over a two hour period. Created by writer Robert E. Howard in 1932 via a series of short stories published in Weird Tales magazine, Conan the Barbarian’s popularity has endured for the past eight decades and is one of the most iconic figures of the sword-and-sorcery subgenre of fantasy literature. The character has grown beyond the original short stories to encompass licensed novels, comic books, video games, and even film adaptations that expanded upon the universe envisioned by Howard. Most people have a passing familiarity with Conan the Barbarian even without reading the stories, although my exposure stems from the 2008 video game, Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures and its 2010 expansion, Rise of the Godslayer, a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) developed by FunCom that previously required a monthly subscription fee but has switched to a free-to-play model recently, supported by micro-transactions. The first film adaptation is 1982’s “Conan the Barbarian” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role. Directed by John Milius and co-written with Oliver Stone, the film proved to be a breakthrough for Schwarzenegger, setting him on the path to superstardom. Critical reception was generally positive and it currently has a score of 74% on Rotten Tomatoes. Unfortunately its 1984 sequel, “Conan the Destroyer,” failed to live up to its predecessor with its toned-down violence and more light-hearted tone. 

A third film was planned for a 1987 release, tentatively titled “Conan the Conqueror” but Schwarzenegger was already committed to “Predator” and wasn’t too keen on renegotiating a new contract (which had expired) with producer Dino De Laurentiis after fulfilling his obligations for 1985’s “Red Sonja” and 1986’s “Raw Deal.” Suffering from years of development hell, the script was eventually rewritten and the resulting film released in 1997 as “Kull the Conqueror,” based on another of Howard’s creations but it was a major critical and commercial flop. Rumors of a new Conan the Barbarian film surfaced in the late 1990’s with Warner Brothers trying for seven years to get the project off the ground but the rights were eventually acquired by Millennium Films in 2007. After numerous script revisions with the intention of remaining more faithful to the original Howard stories, production finally began in March, 2010 with Jason Momoa in the title role.  While this new “Conan the Barbarian” film looks epic with its impressive production values and viscerally thrilling battle scenes, it’s ultimately let down by a run-of-the-mill script that’s saddled with overly-simplistic dialogue and one-dimensional characters. 

Through a prologue narrated by Morgan Freeman, we learn of an ancient mask crafted by the necromancers of Acheron that grants its wearer godlike powers over the dead. This enabled Acheron to conquer much of the civilized world until the barbarian tribes fought back, slaying the owner of the mask and scattering the seven pieces among their leaders for safekeeping. Amidst a raging battlefield, Corin (Ron Perlman) sees his pregnant wife, Fialla (Laila Rouass), fatally stabbed and performs a crude Caesarian section to allow her see her baby before succumbing to her wounds. With her dying breath, Fialla names the baby…CONAN! As a boy, young Conan (Leo Howard) is skilled yet also hot-tempered and reckless. He trains in combat under the tutelage of his father but one day, the village is attacked by a vicious army led by a warlord named Khalar Zym (Steven Lang), who has come searching for the final piece of the ancient Mask of Acheron. Conan is captured while attempting to rescue his father, who refuses to divulge the location of the piece.  Zym’s young daughter Marique, who is a sorceress, manages to locate it under the floorboards of the village’s forge. Before leaving, Zym has Corin chained to a vat of molten metal suspended above him and cuts the supporting chains. Conan grabs hold of it but knowing that only one can survive, Corin chooses to sacrifice himself. Twenty years later, a now-adult Conan (Jason Momoa) continues to search for the man that destroyed his home. With his friend Artus (Nonso Anozie), they free a number of slaves in Zingara and celebrate their victory in a tavern in Messantia. However, Conan sees a strange man and recognizes him as one of Zym’s soldiers who tortured his father. He eventually learns that Khalar Zym and his now-adult daughter (Rose McGowan) have located a surviving descendant of Acheron named Tamara (Rachel Nichols), whose blood is needed to power the mask. Conan manages to rescue Tamara and together, they attempt to stop Khalar Zym from achieving godlike power in order to resurrect his deceased wife, Maliva. 

Having never read the original Howard stories or the licensed novels, I cannot comment on how faithful this iteration of Conan the Barbarian is as my only exposure comes from the MMORPG Age of Conan. I also have not seen the original Arnold Schwarzenegger film so I will not be making any comparisons. What I can say is that to no one’s surprise, the weakest aspect of “Conan the Barbarian” is its story and characters, or lack thereof. It’s a typical revenge tale that’s been told countless times before, in better and worse films. Lapses in logic abound as events happen without any real rhyme or reason. For instance, why was the Mask of Acheron not destroyed instead of dividing up the pieces among the barbarian tribes for safekeeping? Did no one think that someone would eventually come and try to put it back together? Also once the Mask is fully assembled and activated with Tamara’s blood, it does absolutely nothing besides looking like a ridiculous head ornament when worn. All that effort in building up the mask’s ‘godlike’ power seems to have been flushed down the toilet thanks to sloppy writing. Characters are one-dimensional and are poorly developed with the dialogue simplistic to a fault. In fact, I don’t believe Jason Momoa spoke more than ten syllables per line. The film can also be uncomfortably misogynistic, such as when Conan says this delightful gem to Tamara upon their first meeting, ‘Woman! Come here. Now!’ Even without reading the stories, I can tell that writers Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, and Sean Hood aren’t fully versed in Howard’s stories, falling back on caricatures of barbarians. Donnelly and Oppenheimer were responsible for 2005’s “A Sound of Thunder” and 2011’s “Dylan Dog: Dead of Night,” both of which received negative reviews from critics so frankly, you shouldn’t be surprised with the slipshod quality of its story-telling. 

Still, “Conan the Barbarian” does have some excellent production values and the Bulgarian locations are put to good use, breathing life to Howard’s world. However, some of the matte paintings aren’t quite as seamless and sticks out like a sore thumb. Audiences seeing this film aren’t going to be bothered with story and character. No, they’re here for the action and on that front, they won’t be disappointed. Cartoonishly brutal yet viscerally satisfying, Conan slices and dices anyone that crosses his path. A highlight is when he engages in a one-on-one swordfight with Khalar Zym but Marique spruces up the proceedings by summoning these acrobatic sand demons. However, the editing can be frenetic and director Marcus Nispel’s camera is often too close to the action, especially during Conan’s fight with a sea monster called a ‘Dweller’ and the climactic battle, which takes place in a collapsing cave. Why it begins to collapse is never explained. Post-converted to 3D, I decided to stick with plain old 2D, which may be hard to do as theaters nowadays go out of their way to limit such showtimes in order to force impatient movie-goers to pay for the extra surcharge. Consensus on the 3D has been mixed at best despite the fact that post-conversion work began a year in advance but the problem is that the film was never shot with 3D in mind, especially with its close-quarters fight scenes and dimly-lit environments. 3D works best when the action is filmed in wide shots in bright locations. Since this is not the case here, stick with 2D when viewing “Conan the Barbarian.” 

The performances consist of a lot of growling and grunting but Jason Momoa is perfectly cast as the main character. He has the physique to match and moves with a certain gracefulness, akin to a panther, during the fight scenes. Granted, his line readings leave much to be desired but he’s the right man for the job and I look forward to seeing him return in a sequel. I also overheard the women sitting behind me humorously squeal about how ‘tight’ Momoa’s rear-end is. Stephen Lang is suitably menacing, chewing up the scenery as the main villain Khalar Zym, as does Rose McGowan as his daughter, Marique. I loved the makeup work on McGowan and the costume she wore, although I wasn’t too keen on the claws, which reminded me of Freddy Krueger. Rachel Nichols is attractive but I feel she’s miscast as she never quite fits into Conan’s world. While her character shares a love scene with Conan, it’s actually a body double. Finally, there’s Ron Perlman as Conan’s father, Corin, but he seems to exhibit little enthusiasm in the screen-time he has. 

Released on August 19, 2011, “Conan the Barbarian” has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with 28% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics noted that ‘while it’s relentless, gory violence is more faithful to the Robert E. Howard books, [the film] forsakes three-dimensional characters, dialogue, and acting in favor of unnecessary 3D effects.’ Box office wise, it is already in danger of flopping, earning a paltry $3.7 million on Friday so a weekend debut of $15 million seems to be highly unlikely. Audience interest was middling as well since the theater was only half-full when I viewed the film. Although “Conan the Barbarian” isn’t as bad as most critics are making it out to be thanks to some slick production values and wildly entertaining fight scenes, it’s not enough to make up for its uninspired, sloppy script and poorly realized characters, which is a shame really because there’s a kernel of a great Conan film here, just waiting to be discovered.

Final Rating: 2.5 out of 5

“I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.”