The Legend of Hercules 3D Review

Rated PG-13 (Sequences of Intense Combat Action and Violence, and for Some Sensuality)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 39 Minutes

Cast-

Kellan Lutz-Alcides/Hercules

Gaia Weiss-Hebe, Princess of Crete

Scott Adkins-King Amphitryon

Roxanne McKee-Queen Alcmene

Liam Garrigan-Iphicles

Liam McIntyre-Captain Sotiris

Rade Serbedzija-Chiron

Kenneth Cranham-Lucius

Johnathon Schaech-Tarak

Luke Newberry-Agamemnon

Mariah Gale-Kakia

Sarai Givaty-Saphirra

Dimiter Doichinov-King Galenus

Nikolai Sotirov-King Tallas

Radoslav Parvanov-Half Face

Spencer Wilding-Humbaba

Directed by Renny Harlin

Kellen Lutz may have perfect pecs but even they can't save "The Legend of Hercules," a strong contender for worse film of 2014.

Note: Screened on Thursday, January 9, 2014 at AMC Loews 34th Street 14.

In what is quickly becoming a common scenario, 2014 once again finds two competing Hollywood studios release films that bear a remarkable resemblance to each other, either in plot or subject matter. 2012 had dueling Snow White films "Mirror Mirror" and "Snow White and the Huntsman," last year the White House came under terrorist attack twice in "Olympus Has Fallen" and "White House Down," and this year the towering Greek mythological hero Hercules will be gracing us with his presence in "The Legend of Hercules" and Brett Ratner's "Hercules: The Thracian Wars," which stars Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. The former film is the first to arrive (Ratner's film is set to come out on July 25th) and is directed by Renny Harlin of "Die Hard 2: Die Harder" fame, whose career has been in a slow downward spiral ever since "Cutthroat Island" bombed at the domestic box office in 1995 with a paltry $10 million, against a then-expensive $98 million production budget. Harlin continues to receive steady work but his glory days are now long gone, with 1996's "The Long Kiss Goodnight" being his last film to receive positive reviews, although I did enjoy 2004's flawed-yet-still-watchable prequel "Exorcist: The Beginning." Unfortunately, "The Legend of Hercules" finds the director hitting rock bottom. With its drab cinematography, abysmal dialogue, amateurish special effects, and laughably sanitized violence, "The Legend of Hercules" is anything but legendary and is instead a dull, joyless slog that—to quote fellow critic Dustin Putman—'lives up to all that one fears about January film releases.'

In Ancient Greece circa 1200 B.C., the ruthless, power-hungry King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins) of Tiryns leads his army against Argos, conquering the city-state and taking its vast wealth for himself. To put an end to her husband's tyranny, Queen Alcmene (Roxanne McKee) pleads with the gods on Mount Olympus for help. Her prayers are answered by the goddess Hera, who addresses the desperate queen through a human vessel and informs her that she will allow Zeus to spend one night with her in order to conceive a child, a demigod whose destiny will be to restore peace throughout the land. Amphitryon, however, catches her in the act but the damage is already done. Nine months later, Alcmene gives birth to a healthy baby boy, whom she names Alcides. Twenty years later, Alcides (Kellan Lutz) has grown into a handsome prince who is deeply in love with Hebe (Gaia Weiss), the beautiful Princess of Crete. However, Amphitryon announces that Iphicles (Liam Garrigan), the scheming older half-brother of Alcides, will be the one to marry her instead. Alcides and Hebe try to run away but their escape attempt is foiled. With his presence a constant reminder of Alcmene's infidelity, Amphitryon decides to send Alcides off to war by assigning him to Captain Sotiris' (Liam McIntyre) legion. Sotiris and his men are ordered to quell a revolt in Egypt but unbeknownst to them, they are walking into an ambush. The entire legion, with the exception of Alcides and Sotiris, is killed. The two survivors are sold into slavery and forced to fight in an arena to the death but Alcides and Sotiris manage to impress their captors and bargain their way back to Greece, where they inspire the people to stand up to Amphitryon. Learning of his godly lineage, Alcides finally embraces his destiny and takes up his true name, secretly given to him by his mother when he was born: Hercules.  

The above synopsis of Renny Harlin's "The Legend of Hercules" certainly makes the film sound exciting but I whole-heartedly assure you that it is most definitely not. We're barely two weeks into 2014 and already we have a strong contender for worst film of the year. Credited to four writers (Daniel Giat, Renny Harlin, Sean Hood, and Giulio Steve), the flimsy narrative bears almost no resemblance to the original Greek myth. Hercules' birth is more or less faithful to the ancient stories, although the goddess Hera absolutely did not allow her husband Zeus to spend the night with Queen Alcmene in order to conceive a child for the sake of peace. In fact, Hera was a frequent enemy of Hercules and took every opportunity to torment him out of jealousy for Zeus' many illicit affairs, such as making the demigod kill his own children in a fit of madness. This led to the famous 'Twelve Labors' where Hercules tried to atone for his crimes. Despite its many fantastical elements, the original Greek myth is a tragedy but Harlin's film jettisons all that in favor of a cheap and derivative "Spartacus" knock-off. The opening battle scene, complete with arrows flying toward the audience, is ripped straight out of Zack Snyder's "300," except with worse special effects and no blood. Given its $70 million production budget, it's frankly absurd how artificial the CG environments look. At one point, Hercules finds himself battling six opponents in a gladiatorial arena in Sicily but what is supposed to be an epic moment is instead ruined by the laughably rendered CG crowd. Not only does it look incredibly fake but it appears to have been lifted from a last-gen version of "FIFA." Taking another page out of Snyder's playbook, Harlin frequently slows down the action scenes before immediately speeding it up. While this adds a bit of visual pizazz, it's not enough to save the film because it's the only trick Harlin seems to know. Plus, the lack of blood ends up being a distraction and robs whatever visceral power the action scenes had. The generic origin story gives you little to latch onto and the dialogue is dreadful. It's the kind of pseudo-Shakespeare that would leave the famous Bard rolling in his grave. Sam McCurdy's cinematography suffers from poor lighting, especially during the final battle scene, the editing is haphazard, and to add insult to injury, the 3D is rubbish due to the horrible motion blur. Who in their right minds thought this film was fit for a theatrical release? 

The eternally shirtless Kellan Lutz, famous for playing Emmett Cullen in the "Twilight" films, has the physique to play Hercules but not the necessary acting chops. In fact, his 'performance' is so wooden and uncharismatic that it actively takes you out of the already-thin narrative. As if the film wasn't worse enough, hearing Lutz profess his love for Gaia Weiss' Hebe will literally cause you physical pain. Speaking of Weiss, I'll admit that she's very attractive but the French actress/model is saddled with a terribly derivative damsel-in-distress role. Although Roxanne McKee, who played Daenerys Targaryen's handmaiden Doreah on HBO's "Game of Thrones," doesn't have much to do either, at least her character isn't as helpless as Weiss' and actually tries to do something to stop her tyrannical husband. Rade Serbedzija, last seen in the equally horrible "Taken 2," is wasted as Chiron while Liam Garrigan, sporting a bowl haircut that makes him look like the illegitimate child of Rowan Atkinson, hams it up as Hercules' scheming half-brother Iphicles. Martial artist Scott Adkins proves to be one of the film's few highlights yet it's Liam McIntyre—best known for replacing Andy Whitfield in the role of Spartacus in the Starz television series of the same name—who makes the most memorable impression as he actually tries to give his character Captain Sotiris some measure of depth. Why wasn't he cast as Hercules?!

Released on January 10, 2014, "The Legend of Hercules" has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with a pathetic 2% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics called it 'cheap-looking, poorly acted, and dull,' and concluded that the film was 'neither fun enough to qualify as an action movie nor absorbing enough to work on a dramatic level.' The only person who seems to disagree with this consensus is the Village Voice's Stephanie Zacharek, who was apparently entranced by Kellen Lutz's bulging pectoral muscles. Box office wise, it'll likely debut with less than $10 million and then quickly fade away, as it should. Strangely, the audience actually applauded during the advance screening. I sure hope it was because they were glad that the film was over and not because they thought it was good. There's nothing more to be said about "The Legend of Hercules" besides the fact that this is a horrible film that stinks worse than the Augean stables and should be thrown into the fiery pits of Tartarus where it shall be never mentioned again.
 

Final Rating: 1.5 out of 5

"Hercules, you are the son of Zeus! Embrace your father and you will discover powers that you will never imagine."