Ouija Review

Rated PG-13 (Disturbing Violent Content, Frightening Horror Images, and Thematic Material)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 29 Minutes

Cast-

Olivia Cooke-Laine Morris

Ana Coto-Sarah Morris

Daren Kagasoff-Trevor

Bianca Santos-Isabelle

Douglas Smith-Pete

Shelley Hennig-Debbie Galardi

Lin Shaye-Paulina Zander

Sierra Heuermann-Doris Zander

Claudia Katz-Mother

Vivis Colombetti-Nona

Directed by Stiles White

"Ouija," another watered-down, PG-13 horror movie released just in time for Halloween.

A product born out of America's obsession with spiritualism during the nineteenth century, the so-called 'Ouija board'—patented by businessman/inventor Elijah J. Bond in 1890—was viewed as nothing more than a harmless parlor game when the Kennard Novelty Company began exclusively manufacturing them that same year. The supposedly supernatural board game—which is now owned by Hasbro, and before being bought out, Parker Brothers—existed on the fringes of American pop culture for over eighty years since its inception but everything changed when William Friedkin's "The Exorcist" arrived in theaters in 1973. The Ouija board, once viewed as something silly and hokey, was transformed almost overnight into a sinister tool of the Devil. Now it's an oft-used element in the horror genre. With Hasbro intent on turning all their properties into feature films, it was only a matter of time before a big-screen adaptation of the board game was made. Following in the footsteps of Peter Berg's much-maligned "Battleship" from 2012, the appropriately-titled "Ouija" is another in a long line of watered-down, PG-13 horror movies that undiscerning audiences (read: teenagers) just love to eat up during Halloween. In other words, it's a piece of crap…and I'm already being too kind here.

High school seniors Laine Morris (Olivia Cooke) and Debbie Galardi (Shelley Hennig) have been the best of friends since childhood but tragedy strikes when Debbie is found dead in her own home, the victim of an apparent suicide. A devastated Laine is left baffled as to why her close friend would just suddenly take her own life. While housesitting for Debbie's grieving parents, Laine stumbles upon an Ouija board in her bedroom. Recalling her fond memories playing the board game with Debbie as children, Laine decides to use it to contact her friend's spirit, unable to shake the feeling that her presence is still in the house. Indulging her need for closure, Laine's circle of pals—her sister Sarah (Ana Coto), her boyfriend Trevor (Daren Kagasoff), diner waitress Isabelle (Bianca Santos), and Debbie's boyfriend Pete (Douglas Smith)—join Laine for a séance at their late friend's home. They are successful in making contact but it soon becomes clear that the spirit is not Debbie, and once it latches onto them, it won't let go. Laine begins investigating the residents that previously lived in Debbie's house, leading her to a strange old woman (Lin Shaye) who may hold the key to stopping this malevolent entity.

Olivia Cooke is an appealing actress but she looks completely disinterested here.

Dull, lazy, and thoroughly generic, "Ouija" not only represents everything that's wrong with mainstream horror movies today but it's also a symptom of a larger problem plaguing Hollywood. You see, many films—especially the big budget ones—are either based on or part of a larger brand. Now I take no issue with this practice. 'There's a healthy balance between art and [commerce] that can be met somewhere in the middle,' as Jeremy Kirk from First Showing writes in his own review. Take "The LEGO Movie" for instance. Yes, it's basically a one-hundred minute toy commercial but the resulting film from directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller came from a place of genuine creative passion. It was funny, imaginative, heartfelt, and reminded viewers what made the brand so popular and enduring in the first place. On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have "Transformers: Age of Extinction" from Michael Bay, who ironically also serves as one of the many producers on "Ouija." Like "The LEGO Movie," the fourth "Transformers" pic is a toy commercial too. However, it's a cynical cash-grab of the highest order as well, one that's not content until it bludgeons its viewers into complete and utter submission during its bloated three-hour running time. While the offenses that "Ouija" commits aren't quite as egregious, the film never quite escapes the feeling that it was made to fulfill some contractual obligation. That's not surprising considering it's been in development on-and-off since 2008. Originally conceived as a big budget affair, what we get here has been significantly downsized and reshot (half the scenes shown in the trailer are not even in the film). Sure, it's professionally-made but if it weren't for the brand recognition, "Ouija" would've been banished to VOD-land and quickly forgotten.

Yes, let's walk down an empty, dark corridor for no good reason.

Of course, that's not what happened. Now in its third week of release, "Ouija" has grossed over $58.2 million worldwide. That's almost twelve times its production budget! It really boggles the mind considering the story—co-written by Juliet Snowden and director Stiles White—is so derivative and predictable. A group of teenagers get their hands on an Ouija board. They use it and make contact with what they believe is a friendly spirit. Said spirit turns out to be evil and starts terrorizing the teenagers, picking them off one by one. Studio makes a profit at the box office. The only thing that's surprising is how much it fails as both a horror movie and a toy commercial. It's not scary, unless you enjoy cheap bait-and-switch jump scares (Oh, it's just your boyfriend behind the door!) and for a film that's designed to sell board games, it does a poor job getting people to rush out and buy one. Why would someone spend money on an object that could potentially lead to them being killed by evil spirits? In addition to being overly formulaic, the plot doesn't even make much sense as events often happening out of narrative convenience (Debbi's penguin keychain just happens to be a USB drive). The characters fare even worse. Hell, I've seen more character development in a thirty-second commercial about the Olive Garden. Olivia Cooke (from A&E's "Bates Motel") is an appealing actress but her line readings here are devoid of any emotion. When her character says 'I never got to say goodbye,' she might as well add 'or whatever.' The rest of the blandly attractive cast is completely forgettable. Well, Ana Coto does have a cute haircut and a pair of gorgeous eyebrows. Lin Shaye from James Wan's "Insidious" films pops up briefly for a cameo and manages to make a memorable impression with her charming, menacing turn.

Released on October 24, 2014, "Ouija" has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with a paltry 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. The consensus cheekily says, 'Slowly, steadily, although no one seems to be moving it in that direction, the Ouija planchette points to NO.' Despite its poor critical reception, teenagers rushed out to see the film thanks to Universal's targeted marketing campaign that focused heavily on social media like Snapchat. It topped the domestic box office for two straight weeks and both times, it faced off with well-received and even critically-acclaimed films ("John Wick" and "Nightcrawler")! This is why we keep getting dumbed-down trash like this from Hollywood. Why bother even trying when you know people will pay to go see crap like this? The final scene in "Ouija" seems to promise a sequel and given how well it's done financially already, we're probably going to get one thanks to those damn teenagers.

Final Rating: 1.5 out of 5

"You can buy one of these at your local toy store." *face-palm*