Rated PG-13 (Intense Prolonged Sequences
of Sci-Fi Action Violence, Mayhem and Destruction, and for Language, Some
Sexuality and Innuendo)
Running Time: 2 Hours & 34 Minutes
Cast:
Shia LaBeouf-Sam Witwicky
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley-Carly Spencer
Josh Duhamel-Lieutenant Colonel William
Lennox
Tyrese Gibson-USAF Chief Robert Epps
John Turturro-Reggie Simmons
Patrick Dempsey-Dylan Gould
John Malkovich-Bruce Brazos
Frances McDormand-NSA Chief Charlotte
Mearing
Kevin Dunn-Ron Witwicky
Julie White-Judy Witwicky
Alan Tudyk-Dutch
Ken Jeong-Jerry Wang
Glenn Morshower-General Morshower
Peter Cullen (voice)-Optimus Prime
Leonard Nimoy (voice)-Sentinel Prime
Hugo Weaving (voice)-Megatron
Robert Foxworth (voice)-Ratchet
Jess Harnell (voice)-Ironhide
James Remar (voice)-Sideswipe
Francesco Quinn (voice)-Dino
George Coe (voice)-Que/Wheeljack
Tom Kenny (voice)-Wheelie
Reno Wilson (voice)-Brains
Ron Bottitta (voice)-Roadbuster/Amp
John DiMaggio (voice)-Leadfoot/Target
Charlie Adler (voice)-Starscream
Frank Welker (voice)-Shockwave/Soundwave/Barricade
Keith Szarabajka (voice)-Laserbeak
Greg Berg (voice)-Igor
Directed by Michael Bay
 |
| "Transformers: Dark of the Moon," another Michael Bay film that will leave you with a pounding headache. |
You almost had me fooled, Michael Bay. You
almost had me thinking that you would
actually redeem yourself from the
idiotic garbage known as “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” Although the
previous film earned a gargantuan $836 million worldwide in box office
receipts, it received overwhelmingly negative reviews from critics with a
paltry 20% on Rotten Tomatoes. The original “Transformers,” released in 2007,
was certainly no masterpiece but despite the action scenes bordering on sensory
overload, it exhibited enough wit and charm to overcome its obvious story deficiencies.
Not so for “Revenge of the Fallen,” a bloated, incoherent mess pumped full of
racist and juvenile ‘humor’ and yet that didn’t stop the unwashed masses from
lapping it up. Bay publicly admitted his dissatisfaction with the script for
the second film, blaming the writer’s strike and promised that the third (and supposedly final) entry would be
better. Guess what? Michael Bay flat-out lied.
The only real praise I can muster is that “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” is
no worse compared to its predecessor and by ‘no worse,’ I mean a paper-thin
plot with a needlessly bloated running time, excruciating dialogue, pointless
scenes that scrape the bottom the barrel with its so-called humor, and
non-existent character development. Sure, the special effects are amazing but
when all you see are numerous, non-descript metal beings hitting each other to
death, it’s hard to really care about anything that happens in the film. Joshua
Starnes of ComingSoon ended his review of the second film by remarking that
‘the people the film was made for won't notice; they'll like it for what it is.
Which, on consideration, is probably the saddest thing of all. As long as
you're willing to accept crap, you're not likely to get anything better.’ Mr.
Starnes, I couldn’t have said it any better myself.
“Dark of the Moon” opens with a prologue
narrated by Optimus Prime (voice of Peter Cullen), who recalls the devastating
civil war between the Autobots and the Decepticons that ravaged their
home-world, Cybertron. A ship known as the Ark was built by Sentinel Prime
(voice of Leonard Nimoy), which housed an experimental weapon that could turn
the tide of the war but it was severely damaged during its escape flight, and
the ship drifted in space until crash-landing on the Earth’s Moon in 1961. NASA
detects the crash, prompting President John F. Kennedy to ignite the space race
with the Soviet Union. The Apollo 11 mission in 1969 was not just to put a man
on the moon but also to investigate the now-defunct Ark. Fast forward to the
present-day where recent college graduate Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is living
in Washington, D.C. with his new girlfriend, Carly Spencer (Rosie
Huntington-Whiteley). Despite saving the world twice, Sam is currently
struggling to find a job and after numerous interviews, manages to get hired as
a mailroom employee by a global communications firm run by the eccentric Bruce
Brazos (John Malkovich). Meanwhile, the Autobots have continued to work with
NEST and a promoted Lieutenant Colonel William Lennox (Josh Duhamel) in
stopping various human conflicts and the occasional Decepticon around the
world. Their latest mission takes them to the decommissioned Chernobyl Nuclear
Power Plant in the Ukraine where NEST and the Autobots discover a piece of
Cybertronian technology. Soviet scientists attempted to reverse-engineer and
utilize it to power the facility in 1986 but the result was the infamous
Chernobyl Disaster. Despite a surprise attack from Decepticons Laserbeak (voice
of Keith Szarabajka) and Shockwave (voice of Frank Welker), NEST and the
Autobots manage to recover the piece. Optimus learns from NSA director
Charlotte Mearing (Frances McDormand) that it is part of a ship that
crash-landed on the Moon and realizes it is the long-lost Ark. The Autobots
travel to the Moon to recover Sentinel Prime and revives him using the Matrix
of Leadership found in the previous film. Among the items recovered are five
strange objects known as ‘Pillars.’ Sentinel Prime reveals that these Pillars
form a massive teleportation device. A weakened Megatron (voice of Hugo
Weaving) and the rest of the Decepticons desire the Pillars in order to
teleport Cybertron into Earth’s atmosphere and enslave the human race to
rebuild their decimated world, leading to a final showdown with Optimus Prime and
the rest of the Autobots.
The sad thing about “Transformers: Dark of
the Moon” is that the script had potential but all of it is wasted as the film
rehashes the tired formula of its predecessors, plagued by numerous plot holes
and stretched to an unbearable two hours and thirty-four minutes with scenes
that either serve no purpose or to deliver exposition in the most contrived
ways possible. With its glacial pacing, the story is a complete, incoherent
mess that makes little to no sense. It is revealed that the Decepticons have
been on Earth for quite some time and have remained hidden, using human
intermediaries to do their dirty work. Apparently, it occurs to none of them to
rescue the frozen Megatron and immediately conquer Earth since the Autobots
have not arrived yet. Later, one of the Pillars is used to awaken an army of
Decepticons that have lied dormant on our Moon. How could they have stayed
hidden for so long without anyone even knowing that they were there? If the
Decepticons already had possession of most of the Pillars, this army could’ve
easily bested the Autobots through overwhelming brute force but logic has
always been a silly foreign concept to Bay. Much of the film is filled with
pointless subplots such as Sam trying to look for a job or getting jealous at his
girlfriend's boss, Dylan Gould (Patrick Dempsey). This is the film’s weak
attempt at ‘character development’ but when the dialogue is so horrendously
written I wonder why Bay even bothers. His trademark juvenile humor returns and
while it’s not as obnoxious compared to the previous film, you still get
annoying Autobot characters like Wheelie (voice of Tom Kenny) and Brains (voice
of Reno Wilson) that serve absolutely no purpose but to make audiences laugh at
their stereotypical accents. One scene had Ken Jeong’s character, with the racist
name Jerry Wang, in a men’s bathroom stall with Sam revealing what he knows
about the Decepticons’ plan but it all reeks of homophobia. What do you expect
from a hack director with a mentality of a hormone-crazed fourteen-year-old boy
who treats women as nothing but sex objects to be salivated over by a
brain-dead audience?
The last hour is an all-out battle royale
and you can feel Bay trying just so hard to top himself that all he does is
leave everyone tone-deaf, assaulting our senses with a barrage of explosions
and nameless, disposable robots ramming into each other. Yes, the special
effects are well-done, the action scenes are better choreographed and easier to
follow but when there’s no heart and soul behind the fighting, why should you
care about the characters’ plight? As for the 3D, approximately 30% was
post-converted while the rest was shot natively with James Cameron’s Fusion
Camera System but the whole effect is so flat and unremarkable. You notice the
3D in some scenes but on the whole,
the image might as well be in 2D, which is disappointing considering how Bay
was touting how impressive it’ll look. Granted, it does not suffer from the
lowered brightness or murky image from wearing the glasses but for an extra $5
dollars for this result is nothing
but a rip-off.
With all the overwhelming visuals, the
characters have now become totally devoid of any distinguishing personality.
Shia LaBeouf spends much of the time running around either screaming or whining
incessantly and being an overall jerk that I wished some random robot would
just step on him and end his sorry life. After speaking out against Bay, Megan
Fox has been replaced by Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who
is making her film debut. I sure hope this is the last I see of her in a film because she has absolutely no acting ability and represents the
omnipresent, shallow definition of ‘sexy’ that most American males are enamored
with. What do you expect from a Victoria’s Secret model with lips that looked
like they were pumped full of Botox? I cringed every time she opened her mouth
and Bay often has the camera linger on her as she stares off into space at god
knows what. Maybe she’s thinking about that next Botox appointment. Hell, the
film even opens with a shot of her rear in tight underwear. A wax figure could
deliver a more convincing performance. At least it would have spared us of her
painful line readings. You also have a number of respected actors such as the
returning John Turturro, John Malkovich, and Frances McDormand, who are all
aware that they’re in a crap film and compensate by overacting. Were Malkovich
and McDormand really that desperate for a paycheck that they would stoop to
working with Michael Bay? As for the rest of the cast, you have Patrick Dempsey
as a cookie-cutter villain, Alan Tudyk as a ridiculous man-servant who's crammed
in for even more groan-inducing
comic-relief alongside Julie White and Kevin Dunn as Sam’s parents, whose
shtick has already gotten old. Ken Jeong continues to embarrass the Asian
community with a role that’s both racist and
homophobic. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson also return but have nothing to do
other than to shout and get thrown around like ragdolls. I give credit where
it’s due and I must say, when Gibson’s Robert Epps apologizes to Sam that he
can’t throw his life away just to save Carly, it was convincing but of course
such scenes are a no-no when it comes to a Michael Bay film.
Released in regular 2D, 3D, and IMAX 3D on
June 29, 2011, “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” has unsurprisingly received
negative reviews with 38% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics admitted the ‘special
effects—and 3D shots—are undeniably impressive, but they aren't enough to fill
up its loud, bloated running time, or mask its thin, indifferent script.’ You
know, I notice many of these reviews are filled with comments from people who
insult the critic for not praising the film because they feel they are unable
to let themselves be ‘entertained.’ Films should never just entertain but
should also make us think and feel about what we’re watching but the
majority sees fit to accept this drivel. You can defend Bay all you like and
insult every critic but you’ll just end up looking foolish. Like the last film,
the audiences applauded but this time I wasn’t dumbfounded. It would seem the
average American moviegoer enjoys turning off their brains, laughing at
juvenile jokes, and being assaulted by a blur of explosions. The film has
earned an estimated $65 million so far and while it won’t surpass the previous
film’s massive $200 million debut, it should come close with around $170
million. In fact, I have no doubt that it’ll make millions of dollars
worldwide. When it comes to films like this, the divide between the critic and
the mainstream audience has never been greater. I have said enough about
“Transformers: Dark of the Moon” but I am reminded of this pearl of wisdom from
Roger Ebert’s review of the equally horrible “Battle: Los Angeles” released
earlier this year: ‘If you attend this crap with friends who admire it,
tactfully inform them they are idiots.’
Final Rating: 1.5 out of 5
“You may lose faith in us, but never in
yourselves.”
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