Colombiana Review

Rated PG-13 (Violence, Disturbing Images, Intense Sequences of Action, Sexuality and Brief Strong Language)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 47 Minutes

Cast:

Zoë Saldana-Cataleya Restrepo

Amandla Stenberg-Young Cataleya Restrepo

Cliff Curtis-Emilio Restrepo

Michael Vartan-Danny Delanay

Lennie James-FBI Special Agent Ross

Jordi Mollà-Marco

Beto Benites-Don Luis

Callum Blue-CIA Agent Richard

Jesse Borrego-Fabio Restrepo

Cynthia Addai Robinson-Alicia Restrepo

Ofelia Medina-Mama Restrepo

Angel Garnica-Pepe

Directed by Olivier Megaton

Zoë Saldana, you are sexy. This film, not so much.

With a filmography that includes 1990’s “Nikita,” 1994’s “Léon: The Professional,” and 1997’s avant-garde sci-fi flick “The Fifth Element,” seeing Luc Besson’s name on a film used to mean something. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case as his factory-like studio EuropaCorp continuously churns out action films year after year, and turning what was once unique into something stale and generic. Like Guillermo del Toro, Besson has kept himself busy as a writer and producer, with the only films he’s directed recently being animated adaptations of his “Arthur” series of fantasy novels. His upcoming film, “The Lady,” starring Michelle Yeoh is set to be released in November 2011 and is based on the life of Aung San Suu Kyi, who spent fifteen of the past twenty-one years living under house arrest in Burma. The latest from EuropaCorp is “Colombiana” and while Zoë Saldana lends a certain gravitas to her role even as she mows down legions of nameless thugs with an assault rifle looking like a bad-ass, everything else, from the lazy script to the generic action scenes, never rises above mediocrity. 

During a prologue in Bogota, Columbia, a drug lord named Fabio Restrepo (Jesse Borrego) tells his boss, Don Luis (Beto Benites), that he is quitting and hands over all the bookkeeping and evidence on the cartel. As he leaves, Luis motions to his right-hand man, Marco (Jordi Mollà), to follow and kill him. Fabio races home with his remaining loyal men and tells his wife, Alicia (Cynthia Addai-Robinson), and nine-year-old daughter, Cataleya, to pack their bags. He also tells his daughter that if anything should happen to him, she will go to the American embassy and give them a microchip, which contains all the information on Don Luis’ illegal activities. In addition, he writes down his brother’s address in Chicago. Marco and his men arrive and quickly slaughter Fabio’s guards. Knowing that it is too late to escape, Fabio and his wife grab assault rifles but are unable to hold Marco off and are killed. Cataleya escapes with the microchip and makes it to the embassy by losing her pursuers through the sewers. The Americans get her out of Columbia into the United States and she makes her way to Emilio (Cliff Curtis), her uncle in Chicago. She tells him her desire to be a killer in order to take revenge on Don Luis and asks him for help. Fifteen years later, Cataleya (Zoë Saldana) is now a highly-trained assassin-for-hire but only kills those who deserve it. In order to draw Don Luis out of hiding, she leaves a calling card on all her hits, a drawing of the Cataleya flower on their chest but her quest for vengeance becomes complicated when she falls in love with an artist, Danny Delanay (Michael Vartan), while the FBI, led by Special Agent Ross (Lennie James), pursue her. 

Written by Luc Besson himself, “Colombiana” was originally meant to be a sequel to “Léon: The Professional” titled “Mathilda” starring an older Natalie Portman with Olivier Megaton at the helm but when Besson formed his own studio, EuropaCorp, in 2000 the production company that distributed the original film, Gaumont Film Company, retained the rights and refused to sell them. Portman has expressed interest in making the sequel but with Gaumont unwilling to budge, Besson was forced to alter the script to what we have now, which is a shame because “Colombiana” features not one original idea as its elements are cobbled together from other (better) action films, including Besson’s. Besides being generic to a fault, the story and its characters are poorly developed. All of Cataleya’s targets are tagged with her calling card in order to get Don Luis’ attention but the film never explains their connection to the Columbian drug lord, making all the action scenes ultimately pointless. She also shares no screen-time with the villains besides Marco so everyone ends up being nothing but bullet-fodder. Its attempts at drama prove to be a detriment because of the non-existent character development and the hackneyed dialogue so the audience is never emotionally invested in what’s happening. 

The way the plot moves is also contrived and suspension of disbelief is stretched beyond credibility. The FBI is depicted to be so inept that they steadfastly refuse to believe that the assassin can be a woman until the mailman off-handedly remarks that the symbol on the victims is the Cataleya orchid, which is actually spelled ‘Cattleya’ but apparently Besson takes us for idiots and thinks we won’t notice the misspelling. At one point, Emilio tries to make a point to Cataleya by randomly firing his gun in front of her school in plain sight. He then stands there as he recites some nonsense while the police arrive and innocent bystanders look on but no one seems to take notice of him. This is just sloppy filmmaking. Later, Danny takes a photo of a sleeping Cataleya and shows it to his friend. When he is momentarily distracted, the friend sends the photo to his sister-in-law, who works at the local police station, to make sure she’s ‘legit.’ Who does that? Moments like these are scattered throughout the film and it’s hard to take anything that happens seriously. Of course, the average moviegoer could care less about the story and are here for the action scenes. While they’re tightly edited, it all feels stale because we’ve seen it all before. In a rip-off from the “Bourne” films, Cataleya fights hand-to-hand using nothing but a towel and ever since the release of “The Matrix,” there’s always a large lobby shoot-out with flying debris and walls riddled with bullet holes. Since this is PG-13, no blood is ever shown and this is precisely the kind of film that shouldn’t be handicapped in such a way. 

Zoë Saldana is the only one to give some semblance of a performance despite the fact that she spends much of the film in various stages of undress and always without a bra under her clothes. Saldana could’ve gone the lazy route and rely on her good looks but she commits to her role, infusing her character with a determined conviction wrought with pain that we can empathize. Unfortunately, it’s not enough to rise above the mediocre material. The rest of the cast, from Michael Vartan to Lennie James, do little besides fulfilling their clichéd functions in the third act. Cliff Curtis is fine but once again he serves as living proof of Hollywood’s inability to cast the proper ethnicity for the role as written. Curtis is from New Zealand but here he’s forced to fake a stereotypical Columbian accent. Jordi Mollà is effective as a villain (this isn’t his first time) but he has so little screen-time and fails to make much of an impression. 

“Colombiana” was released on August 26, 2011 and has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with 33% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics concluded that ‘Zoë Saldana has the chops but she's taken out by erratic and sloppy filmmaking.’ Dumped during the penultimate week of summer, the film flopped at the box office with a tepid $10.4 million debut behind “The Help.” Hurricane Irene also had a hand with the weak earnings as hundreds of theaters were forced to close on the East Coast. With an estimated production budget of $40 million, it’ll probably make back that amount (barely) once you factor international grosses. I viewed the film in the evening and was surprised by the huge turnout. The audience seemed to thoroughly enjoy it but really, this isn’t the first time mainstream audiences have embraced terrible films. If you’re looking for mindless action while staring at Zoë Saldana’s lithe body, than this is for you but for everyone else that possess some discerning taste in film, I’d advise you to skip this and catch Joe Wright’s brilliant “Hanna,” which also features a female assassin.

Final Rating: 2 out of 5

“I will not stop until you feel what I’ve felt all these years.”