Vampire Academy Review

Rated PG-13 (Violence, Bloody Images, Sexual Content and Language)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 44 Minutes

Cast-

Zoey Deutch-Rosemarie 'Rose' Hathaway

Lucy Fry-Vasilisa 'Lissa' Dragomir

Sarah Hyland-Natalie Dashkov

Danila Kozlovsky-Dimitri Belikov

Dominic Sherwood-Christian Ozera

Olga Kurylenko-Headmistress Ellen Kirova

Gabriel Byrne-Victor Dashkov

Sami Gayle-Mia Rinaldi

Cameron Monaghan-Mason Ashford

Edward Holcroft-Aaron Drozdov

Ashley Charles-Jesse Zeklos

Joely Richardson-Queen Tatiana Ivashkov

Claire Foy-Sonya Karp

Bronté Norman-Terrell-Camilla Conta

Chris Mason-Ray Sarcozy

Directed by Mark Waters

I'll take all three for the night.

Note: Screened on Thursday, February 6, 2014 at AMC Loews 34th Street 14.

Hollywood just can't seem to take a hint…or maybe they're just really stubborn. Last year, "Beautiful Creatures," "The Host," and "The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones" all flopped at the domestic box office, with grosses ranging from $19 million to $31 million. Although foreign receipts managed to help these films break even as far as their production budgets were concerned, the message was resoundingly clear: audiences just aren't interested in these would-be franchises based on B-level young adult novels. Personally, I didn't think they were as terrible as critics were making them out to be but the main problem with these films is that the material doesn't hold much appeal beyond their niche fan-bases. The massive success of the so-called "Twilight Saga" was pretty much a fluke while the "Harry Potter" and "Hunger Games" series became the worldwide box office behemoths they are today by transcending their source material and captivating those who weren't all that familiar with the books. Simply put, for a film adaptation based on a young adult novel to succeed, you need cross-generational appeal. Unfortunately, Harvey Weinstein didn't get that memo. The studio executive/producer reportedly paid north of $30 million for the U.S. rights to "Vampire Academy," based on the 2007 book in Richelle Mead's six-part series of the same name. That's quite a lot of money for a book series that's only sold eight million copies worldwide. Well, Weinstein seemed to have wised up as he dumped the film in the middle of February with little to no fanfare. To the surprise of absolutely no one, it flopped…with a seventh place weekend debut of $3.9 million. Although "Vampire Academy" has its moments, this Mark Waters-directed film adaptation of Mead's novel is ultimately too encumbered by its dense mythology, limiting its appeal to those who are fans of the books in the first place.

Note: I'm about to use a number of weird terms here so bear with me; I will explain later in this review. For the past year, royal Morai princess Vasilisa 'Lissa' Dragomir (Lucy Fry) and her Dhampir guardian-in-training Rosemarie 'Rose' Hathaway (Zoey Deutch) have been on the run and are currently hiding out in an apartment in Portland, Oregon. The two are best friends and share a special, one-sided psychic bond that allows Rose to experience Lissa's emotions, see through her eyes, and share her dreams. When a number of men wearing black trench coats show up outside their home, Rose tells Lissa to immediately pack her bags and sneak out through the backdoor. She creates a distraction by igniting the gas tank of a nearby motorcycle but is quickly knocked unconscious by one of the men. Waking up in handcuffs, Rose and Lissa are driven back to St. Vladimir's, the eponymous 'Vampire Academy' located in Montana and overseen by strict Headmistress Ellen Kirova (Olga Kurylenko). However, the car is attacked on the way by a group of immortal, bloodthirsty vampires known as 'Strigoi.' Dimitri Belikov (Danila Kozlovsky)—the man that previously knocked Rose out—manages to kill them and returns the girls to the academy safe and sound. Much has changed since Rose and Lissa ran way, with Lissa's boyfriend Aaron Drozdov (Edward Holcroft) now dating mean girl Mia Rinaldi (Sami Gayle). Joined by fellow outcast Natalie Dashkov (Sarah Hyland), Rose and Lissa attempt to navigate the academy's various cliques, with Rose forced to undergo extra guardian training under the tutelage of Dimitri in order to make up for lost time while Lissa, in her depression, finds solace in the arms of the brooding Christian Ozera (Dominic Sherwood). All is not well at St. Vladimir's however as strange, ominous messages written in blood begin to show up on the walls of the academy just as Lissa's spirit abilities start to emerge.

If you're wondering just what the heck a Morai, a Strigoi, or a Dhampir is, don't worry, you're not alone. The biggest problem with Mark Waters' film adaptation of "Vampire Academy" is its overly dense mythology as there's enough fantasy detail here to fill several pictures. In fact, Richelle Mead's book series would've been better suited on the small screen à la "Game of Thrones" because the script—written by Mark's older brother Daniel (of "Heathers" fame)—is often encumbered by too much exposition, with the film resorting to using on-screen text to explain what everything is. It's like you're watching a PowerPoint presentation. In the world that Mead has created, Morai are benevolent vampires who are mortal and can survive in sunlight (no, they don't sparkle as Rose helpfully explains) while the Dhampir are human/vampire hybrids who protect the Morai as their guardians. Lastly, the Strigoi are vampires that audiences are used to watching; they can only venture out at night and have been completely taken over by their thirst for blood. All this information is pretty much dumped on us in the first ten minutes, and that's before all the subplots are introduced! Taken at face value, "Vampire Academy" appears to be another in a long line of "Twilight" knock-offs but while they share some similarities (the angst-ridden, brooding Christian Ozera will remind viewers of Robert Pattinson's Edward Cullen), Waters' film is more of a derivative mash-up of "Harry Potter" and his 2004 teen comedy "Mean Girls." Like the wizards at Hogwarts, Morai and Dhampir are sent to train at St. Vladimir's, with the former being able to hone their abilities in one of five elements: air, fire, earth, water or spirit (I know, we're all thinking of "Avatar: The Last Airbender"). However, the resemblances to J.K. Rowling's fantasy series don't end there as the central mystery blatantly apes "Chamber of Secrets," complete with ominous warnings written in blood. When the film isn't busy ripping off of Rowling, it concerns itself with a myriad of soap opera-like subplots that we've seen thousands of times before in various teen comedies, like the aforementioned "Heathers" and "Mean Girls." It's all painfully generic fluff, with characters being little more than walking high school clichés as they worry about who they like or what dress to where to the 'Equinox Ball.' The humor provides a few chuckles here and there but more often than not, it's marred by dated pop culture references.

The performances are all mediocre at best. Zoey Deutch is appealing as the sarcastic and sharp-tongued Dhampir guardian Rose Hathaway, with the young actress lending "Vampire Academy" a bit of charm and keeping the picture watchable but the script saddles her with too many lame and pointless one-liners. Lucy Fry's Lissa Dragomir is too stiff to make much of an impression while Danila Kozlovsky's thick Russian accent has the unfortunate side effect of turning all his dialogue into an indecipherable mess. The rest of the supporting cast are given one-note characters to play, with Dominic Sherwood as 'the brooding one,' Sami Gayle as 'the mean bitch,' and Sarah Hyland as 'the gossipy one,' although Hyland does offer some of the film's best laughs. On hand to pick up a paycheck is Olga Kurylenko and Gabriel Byrne, who plays Natalie's kind-hearted father Victor Dashkov.

Released on February 7, 2014, "Vampire Academy" has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with a paltry 11% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics noted that while 'it may appeal to its built-in fan-base, [the film's] Twilight-meets-Mean Girls conceit borrows lazily from its predecessors and offers few laughs or thrills to complement its overstuffed backstory.' Signaling a lack of confidence in their product, The Weinstein Company opted not to screen the film for critics, although there was a fans-only screening that was held mere hours before its official release. Turn-out was laughably low, with the promoters letting people in without passes. "Vampire Academy" had a disastrous debut at the box office and after a month in theaters, it's only grossed a pathetic $8.9 million worldwide. Sure was a sound investment, Mr. Weinstein! While I won't go so far as to call it one of 2014's worst films, "Vampire Academy" is still pretty bad, with Mark and Daniel Waters struggling to adapt the 300-page book into a 104-minute feature for a wide audience. The ending teases a future sequel but the only way that's happening is when pigs start to fly.

Final Rating: 2 out of 5

"I don't know what's going to happen tonight. At this point, I can't remember who loves us and who hates us. Let's make tonight our bitch!"