Rated
R (Strong Grisly Violence and Language Throughout)
Running
Time: 1 Hour & 32 Minutes
Cast-
Alexandra
Daddario-Heather Miller
Tremaine
Neverson-Ryan
Tania
Raymonde-Nikki
Keram
Malicki-Sánchez-Kenny
Shaun
Sipos-Darryl
Scott
Eastwood-Deputy Carl Hartman
Paul
Rae-Burt Hartman
Ritchie
Montgomery-Ollie
Thom
Barry-Sheriff Hooper
James
MacDonald-Officer Marvin
Richard
Riehle-Farnsworth
David
Born-Gavin Miller
Sue
Rock-Arlene Miller
Dan
Yeager-Jeb Sawyer/Leatherface
Bill
Moseley-Drayton Sawyer
Dodie
L. Brown-Loretta Sawyer
John
Dugan-Grandpa Sawyer
Gunnar
Hansen-Jeb Sawyer/Leatherface (archive footage only)
Marilyn
Burns-Grandma Verna/Sally Hardesty (archive footage only)
Directed
by John Luessenhop
 |
| Why do girls in horror movies never wear proper clothing? |
Note: At AMC Empire 25.
As
a film critic, I always try to maintain a neutral stance and avoid forming any preconceived
notions but sometimes, you just know when a film is going to turn out terrible.
The first weekend of January has traditionally been one of the worst to open a
new film (remember last year's "The Devil Inside"?) and 2013 does not
buck that trend with the release of "Texas Chainsaw 3D." Due to poor
marketing, I initially believed it to be another reboot but it is actually a direct sequel to Tobe Hooper's original
1974 film, ignoring its three sequels and the 2003/2006 Platinum Dunes entries.
With 91% on Rotten Tomatoes, Hooper's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is
frequently hailed as a classic in the slasher subgenre; its relentless
brutality during the last thirty minutes approaches cinema verité and makes the
film even more terrifying because it never strays too far from potential
reality. The same cannot be said for "Texas Chainsaw 3D," an
eye-rolling, utterly forgettable entry that will only appeal to the lowest
common denominator. It's only four days into 2013 and already we have an early
contender for worst film of the year so congratulations, director John
Luessenhop, you certainly earned it.
Picking up where the original 1974 film
left off, the police, led by Sheriff Hooper (Thom Barry), confront the Sawyer
family for their role in aiding Jeb, a.k.a Leatherface (Dan Yeager), in his countless
murders. Hooper manages to get Drayton Sawyer (Bill Moseley) to give up Jeb
without resorting to violence but the citizens of Newt, Texas take the law into
their own hands and burn the Sawyer farmhouse to the ground under the orders of
Burt Hartman (Paul Rae). One of the arsonists, Gavin Miller (David Born), finds
a barely alive Loretta Sawyer (Dodie L. Brown) still cradling her baby. Miller
takes the baby and kills Loretta with a kick to the face. He and his wife
Arlene (Sue Rock) adopt the baby as their own and name her Heather. Fast
forward to the present day, a now-grown up Heather (Alexandra Daddario) works
in the meat section at a supermarket (how ironic). Returning home, she receives
a letter stating that her grandmother Verna (Marilyn Burns) just passed away
and has left her a sizable inheritance. Discovering that she was adopted from
her parents, Heather decides to travel to Newt, Texas in order to learn more
about her biological family. Tagging along on the trip is her boyfriend Ryan
(Tremaine Neverson), and best friends Nikki (Tania Raymonde) and Kenny (Keram
Malicki-Sánchez). On the way there, they pick up a hitchhiker named Darryl
(Shaun Sipos), who needs a ride to Texas and even offers to pay for gas.
Arriving at the address, the group is greeted by the Sawyer family attorney,
Farnsworth (Richard Riehle), who gives Heather a set of keys to the estate and
a letter from Verna to read immediately. However, the house is anything but
peaceful when Leatherface is accidentally unleashed from his basement compound,
seeking revenge on all those who killed his family.
"Texas Chainsaw
3D" is a mess from beginning to end. Four writers (Adam Marcus, Debra
Sullivan, Kirsten Elms and Stephen Susco) were responsible for the script and
yet their collective brainpower still failed to come up with a remotely
compelling story as they have chosen to rely on the very same clichés that last
year's "Cabin in the Woods" so cleverly mocked. What's worse is that
this so-called 'horror' film is a complete bore, devoid of any suspense,
tension, or even scares. It would also appear that these writers have failed at
basic mathematics. A montage comprised of scenes from the 1974 original
(post-converted to 3D) is played during the opening credits before jumping
close to four decades to the present day, which means Heather should be a forty-year-old
woman but is instead still in her mid-twenties. The film tries to get around
this by redacting the year when referencing events in the original despite the
fact that Hooper already established that it took place in 1974! Sloppy math
aside, it's hard to care about any of the characters given the vacuous dialogue,
with their development going as far as their name and relation to Heather. The
women, especially Nikki, are all barely wearing any clothes, with Luessenhop
frequently filming at a low angle just to offer another gratuitous shot of
Tania Raymonde's rear end. There is a kernel of a good idea within the story as
the film attempts to put Leatherface in a more sympathetic light by having him
be a victim of the town's intolerance and cruelty. Unfortunately, the writers
are completely out of their depth here and they throw logic completely out the
window during the ending as subplots are discarded without any rhyme or reason.
Not to mention, it's difficult to feel empathy for a hulking brute that wears
other people's skin as a mask. The latter half of the film is moronic to say
the least, with a police deputy roaming the dark halls of the Sawyer mansion with
a gun in one hand while using FaceTime
on his goddamn iPhone on the other. It's
a truly laughable scene but the filmmakers' incompetence doesn't end there. During
a chase between Leatherface and Heather at a carnival, the good citizens of
Newt don't even react to their presence. Apparently, chainsaw-wielding maniacs
are nothing new for them. There's plenty of blood and gore in the film (it was
initially rated NC-17), although there's little here that audiences haven't
seen before. About the only praise I can muster is for the production values
but it doesn't change the fact that "Texas Chainsaw 3D" belongs in
the direct-to-DVD bargain bin with all the other garbage. As for the 3D, don't
even bother. There's more 3D being utilized in the opening company logos then
in the entire film itself. Chainsaws do pop out of the screen (twice!),
invoking some old-school nostalgia when the horror flicks of yesteryear
utilized the extra dimension as a gimmick.
To quote fellow critic Brian
Orndorf, 'the acting…is universally abysmal.' Alexandra Daddario has a pretty
face (and an ample bosom to boot) but when your midriff-baring clothes are
barely hanging onto you, it's hard to take you seriously as a heroine. The rest
of the cast are inconsequential and are quickly killed off. Given how annoying
they all are, I'd say they got their just comeuppances. Dan Yeager is the only
standout as Leatherface, who manages to exhibit a sense of world weariness with
only his eyes. There are also several cameos from Hooper's film like Gunnar
Hansen (the original Leatherface!), Marilyn Burns, and John Dugan.
Released on
January 4, 2013, "Texas Chainsaw 3D" was not screened for critics and
currently has a 23% on Rotten Tomatoes but that hasn't stopped audiences
(especially teenagers) from seeing this terrible film. Thanks to a frontloaded
opening day, the film has already recouped its $8 million production budget and
there's a strong chance that it'll wind up at number one at the box office,
with LionsGate estimating a $21 to $24 million debut. With so many quality
films playing in theaters, I find it disheartening to see something like
"Texas Chainsaw 3D" make money because it sends Hollywood a message
that we'll eat up whatever garbage they feed us. Failing on every conceivable
level as a film, "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is another insult to horror fans
but what's worse is that there are people willing to pay to see crap like this.
What a way to begin 2013.
Final
Rating: 1 out of 5
"Welcome to Texas, motherf*cker!" (Again, let me remind you that it took four writers to come up with the story.)
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