Grown Ups 2 Review

Rated PG-13 (Crude and Suggestive Content, Language and Some Male Rear Nudity)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 41 Minutes

Cast-

Adam Sandler-Lenny Feder

Kevin James-Eric Lamonsoff

Chris Rock-Kurt McKenzie

David Spade-Marcus Higgins

Nick Swardson-Nicholas Hilliard

Salma Hayek-Roxanne Chase-Feder

Maria Bello-Sally Lamonsoff

Maya Rudolph-Deanne McKenzie

Steve Buscemi-Wiley

Colin Quinn-Dickie Bailey

Tim Meadows-Malcolm

Shaquille O'Neal-Officer Fluzoo

Peter Dante-Officer Dante

Steve Austin-Tommy Cavanaugh

Georgia Engel-Mrs. Lamonsoff

Taylor Lautner-Andy

Milo Ventimiglia-Milo

Patrick Schwarzenegger-Cooper

Alexander Ludwig-Braden

Jake Goldberg-Greg Feder

Cameron Boyce-Keithie Feder

Alexys Nycole Sanchez-Becky Feder

Ada-Nicole Sanger-Donna Lamonsoff

Frank and Morgan Gingerich-Bean Lamonsoff

Nadji Jeter-Andre McKenzie

China Anne McClain-Charlotte McKenzie

Kaleo Elam-Ronnie McKenzie

Directed by Dennis Dugan

These guys need a new beach house...so they made "Grown Ups 2."

Note: Screened on Wednesday, July 10, 2013 at AMC Loews 34th Street 14.

I don't get paid to be a film critic and the reason I do what I do is because I genuinely love watching movies but sometimes…it feels like work. Watching "Grown Ups 2" is one of those times. Released back in 2010, the original "Grown Ups" was trashed by critics (10% on Rotten Tomatoes) but audiences around the world ate it up to the tune of $271.4 million, making it one of Adam Sandler's biggest hits in his career. I've only recently watched the film and I have to say, it is one of the worst 'comedies' I've ever suffered through. There are only three good laughs and that's already stretching it. Sandler has been in a downward spiral for the past three years, with "Just Go With It," "Jack and Jill," and last year's abominable "That's My Boy" averaging only 14% on Rotten Tomatoes. That's frankly pathetic. The SNL-veteran was never a comedic savant but his man-child antics used to be funny because they felt inspired; now it's just lazy, tired, and insulting. It's like he's completely given up. In fact, "That's My Boy" left me so angry that I wanted to punch someone in the face! "Grown Ups 2" doesn't provoke the extreme revulsion I had for Sandler's previous film but the whole affair still comes off as a boring, juvenile waste of time that exists only to take the audience's hard-earned money to fund the cast's next beach house while flicking the middle finger at them for paying to see such garbage.

Big-shot Hollywood agent Lenny Feder (Adam Sandler) moves his wife Roxanne (Salma Hayek) and their three children back to his Massachusetts hometown as a way to stay close to his childhood best friends: Eric Lamonsoff (Kevin James), Kurt McKenzie (Chris Rock), and eternal bachelor Marcus Higgins (David Spade). On the last day of school, the quartet decides to play hooky with drug-addled bus driver Nicholas Hilliard (Nick Swardson) while planning for an 80's-themed outdoor party to kick off the summer in style. In an effort to recapture the glory days of their youth, Lenny and his buddies revisit an old swimming hole so Eric can face his fears of diving off the cliff but they run afoul of a group of testosterone-ridden frat boys led by Andy (Taylor Lautner). Crazy hijinks ensue as the four come to terms with hitting middle-age.

It's really amazing how director Dennis Dugan and the writers (which include Sandler, Tim Herlihy, and Fred Wolf) took the loose story structure of the original "Grown Ups" and made it even more plot-less. I actually struggled to summarize the sequel because there is no narrative to speak of; it's essentially just a series of vignettes where the characters literally spend their time smelling each other's farts and giggling about it like a bunch of mentally-challenged twelve-year-olds. Opening with a terribly rendered CG deer urinating into Lenny's mouth (a gag that the filmmakers found so hilarious that they repeat it thirty seconds later on his son), "Grown Ups 2" pretty much goes downhill from there with its stale and relentlessly puerile assortment of 'jokes' involving various bodily fluids and mocking others for either being old, ugly, foreign, or gay. Of course, almost none of is funny since there's absolutely no context to it. Apparently, we're supposed to laugh along at the mere sight of a pee stain…and don't even get me started on the 'burp snart.' Sure, there are some intermittent chuckles but you can count them on one hand. The biggest laugh in "Grown Ups 2" is when Hayek's Roxanne cracks a joke about Shaq's lousy free-throw record in front of the retired basketball player himself (who plays a police officer). One good laugh out of a 101-minute film; that has to be some sort of world record.

The thinly-developed subplots weave in and out of the film without much rhyme or reason. Roxanne wants to have another baby but Lenny is already content with the three kids they have. Eric is secretly spending all his free time at his mother's (Georgia Engel) to get the attention his wife Sally (Maria Bello) isn't giving him while Kurt is enjoying the fact that his wife Deanne (Maya Rudolph) forgot about their twentieth anniversary. Finally, Marcus finds out he has a teenage son named Braden (Alexander Ludwig) but doesn't quite know how to connect with him. The children are also dealing with their own individual issues yet none of it matters. There's no drama, no tension, so ultimately we just don't care what happens to these people. Worse, the film's anti-bullying message is completely at odds with many of the characters' actions. The women repeatedly make snide comments to another female for looking too masculine in their yoga class and the ending has everyone throw down with a bunch of frat boys because all problems can be solved by punching your way out of them. Seriously, if you look up the causes for brain damage, "Grown Ups 2" would be on the list.

Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, and David Spade are all capable of being funny when they at least try but in this film, they take their comedic talent and flush it down the toilet. Inexplicably missing from the group is Rob Schneider. Given all the dreck he's appeared in over the years, his absence is probably the wisest move he's made in his entire career. He's replaced by Nick Swardson, who serves as the film's punching bag. The women, which includes Salma Hayek, Mario Bello, and Maya Rudolph, all play complete morons. At one point, their characters become victims of sexual harassment but they just brush it off like it's no big deal even though I'm pretty sure a crime was just committed. I feel sorry for Hayek; she's a critically-acclaimed actress and one of the most beautiful women in the world who's reduced to being leered at and farted on. The various celebrity cameos such as Shaquille O'Neal and 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin provide a modicum of fun but like all novelties, it quickly fades away. Taylor Lautner seems to be the only actor who's in on the joke, which is ironic because his whole career is a joke.

To be released on July 12, 2013, "Grown Ups 2" has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with a mere 5% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics concluded that the film will 'bore, annoy, and disgust audiences,' with the exception of those who love seeing deer piss on people. Hell, the deer could even be symbolizing Sandler pissing on your intelligence while taking your money. What really angers me is that audiences are actually looking forward to seeing this over Guillermo del Toro's "Pacific Rim." Many box office analysts are projecting Sandler's film to gross around $40 million over the weekend but I wouldn't discount del Toro yet as his film is currently outselling last month's "World War Z" at the same point according to Fandango. If you haven't figured it out already, don't see "Grown Ups 2." By willingly giving your money away, you are asking to be slapped. This film doesn't just scrape the bottom of the barrel; it sh*ts all over it.

Final Rating: 1 out of 5

"I haven't been around this many arrogant white college kids since Eminem played Duke."