Ride Along Review

Rated PG-13 (Sequences of Violence, Sexual Content and Brief Strong Language)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 39 Minutes

Cast-

Kevin Hart-Ben Barber

O'Shea Jackson/Ice Cube-James Payton

Tika Sumpter-Angela Payton

John Leguizamo-Santiago

Bryan Callen-Miggs

Bruce McGill-Lieutenant Brooks

[REDACTED]-Omar

Dragos Bucur-Marko

Gary Owen-Crazy Cody

Jacob Latimore-Ramon

Jay Pharoah-Runflat

Benjamin 'Lil P-Nut' Flores-Morris the Kid

Directed by Tim Story

I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up!

Note: At AMC Loews 34th Street 14.

Kevin Hart's particular brand of comedy won't appeal to everyone given that humor is often subjective but regardless of whether you find him funny or not, you still have to admire the man's work ethic and the way he successfully turned his career around. Back in 2004, the up-and-coming stand-up comedian landed his first leading role in Jessy Terrero's "Soul Plane" but this raunchy sendup to 1980 comedy classic "Airplane!" crashed and burned at the box office, grossing only $14.8 million worldwide against a $16 million production budget. Critics thoroughly trashed the film as well (it currently has an 18% on Rotten Tomatoes) and worse, a bootleg copy was widely available among street venders over a month before its release. Hart's career troubles didn't end there as his ABC sitcom "The Big House" (a reversed take on NBC's "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air") was cancelled after airing just six episodes. Retreating from the limelight following these two failures, Hart spent the next five years honing his comedic craft and began to build up a sizable fan-base via social media. He kicked off his comedy tours in 2009 with "I'm a Grown Little Man" but it was 2011's "Laugh at My Pain" that once again put him on Hollywood's radar. That tour grossed over $15 million across ninety cities, making it one of the top-selling comedy tours of that year. Hart's career has shown no signs of slowing down; his 2012 tour "Let Me Explain" generated $32 million in ticket sales and the concert doc based on it (released last summer) became the fourth highest-grossing stand-up comedy film ever. This year, Hart is starring in three films and the first to arrive is "Ride Along" directed by Tim Story. Hart has already proven himself to be a very talented comedian but his livewire presence just isn't enough to save "Ride Along," a dull buddy-cop film that wildly veers between mean-spirited and campy territory while offering precious few laughs.

Avid video-gamer Ben Barber (Kevin Hart) is a high school security guard whose dream of becoming a real police officer just came true when he learns that he's been accepted into the academy. Proud of his accomplishment, Ben decides to propose to his long-term girlfriend Angela Payton (Tika Sumpter) but this doesn't sit well with her intimidating older brother James (Ice Cube), a rebellious, tough-as-nails cop for the Atlanta PD who believes that Ben isn't man enough for the sister he raised. Eager to get James' blessing, Ben reveals his intention of becoming a police officer and offers to prove to him that he's worthy of asking for Angela's hand in marriage. This gives James an idea: he'll agree to give his blessing if Ben shows that he's got what it takes to be a police officer by accompanying him on a 'ride along' for one day. The aspiring cop readily agrees but his incompetence and fear gets the better of him as he's forced into one embarrassing (and dangerous) situation after another. Meanwhile, James defies his captain's (Bruce McGill) orders and independently continues his pursuit of a man named 'Omar,' a shadowy crime lord out to control Atlanta. Just when he's about to give up his dream, Ben inadvertently discovers a lead on Omar and slowly but surely earns the grudging respect of James. With no back-up arriving anytime soon, James reluctantly puts his trust in Ben as the two try to bring the gun kingpin to justice.

If I had to choose a director that defined the word mediocrity, it would be Tim Story. For the past eleven years, the only film in his dubious résumé to have received positive reviews is his feature debut "Barbershop" (82% on Rotten Tomatoes) yet people continue to flock to theaters to see his movies. His two "Fantastic Four" films is a prime example of how not to adapt a comic book for the big screen as Story completely neutered Dr. Doom, one of the most well-known and fearsome villains of the Marvel Universe, and transformed the planet-eating entity Galactus into a giant storm cloud in space. However, the biggest problem I have with him is that he shows absolutely no passion or enthusiasm in his direction. It's like he's content with just coasting on bland, which is what "Ride Along" suffers from. The first of two new releases from Story (the other is the romantic comedy sequel "Think Like a Man Too," out this June), this buddy-cop action comedy offers little in the way of originality with its trite script, which is credited to four writers (Greg Coolidge, Jason Mantzoukas, Phil Hay, and Matt Manfredi). Apparently, this film has been in development at New Line Cinema since 2009, with Kevin Hart's character originally an upper-class white psychiatrist before Universal brought the distribution rights in 2012. Finally out in theaters, the stretch marks in the script definitely show as the material has been progressively watered-down through overwriting. There's an amusing bit where Ben spots a student (Jacob Latimore) skipping English class to get drunk with his friends, prompting the security guard to give a crazy lecture on how drinking will eventually lead to the kid becoming a sad, legless war veteran. It's one of the few genuinely funny moments in the film but why does Ben only help this one student while ignoring all the others? It just reeks of an abandoned subplot due to having too many cooks in the kitchen.

While the interplay between Hart and Ice Cube makes "Ride Along" a tolerable viewing experience for the most part, the comedy never finds the right tone and often veers wildly between mean-spiritedness and campiness. The story tries to make the viewer sympathize with James as he had a difficult childhood and was forced to raise his little sister by himself following the sudden death of their parents but that still doesn't excuse the juvenile (and very illegal) hazing that he subjects Ben to. Rather than let the police academy weed him out, James takes Ben on a 'ride along' so that the little man can prove he has what it takes to be a cop yet how can he when he neither has the training nor the experience. Not to mention that James even goes so far as to engineer a disturbance at a farmer's market, just so he can watch Ben fail and laugh about it later. Obviously, you expect Ben to toughen up and show his future brother-in-law that he was born to be a cop but the film goes about this in the most idiotic manner possible. Apparently, one can become a capable police officer by simply playing a lot of video games. All those hours spent playing first-person shooters have made Ben an expert on military-grade weaponry. Now, I'm an avid gamer myself but just because I play "Battlefield 4" does not mean I'm ready to join the army. Although I don't expect much from a comedy released in the middle of January, I do at least expect it to be funny and most importantly, not blatantly insult my intelligence.

They're not able to rescue the picture from mediocrity but Kevin Hart and Ice Cube prevent "Ride Along" from becoming a total train wreck. If there's any reason to sit through this film, it's Hart as he puts in the effort to sell every lame joke and slapstick routine despite having his hands tied by the PG-13 rating. Some of the situations his character gets himself in—like getting a group of bikers to move from a handicap spot or persuading a child to give up his criminal brother—feel too doctored to be plausible (even by sitcom standards) yet the comedian is still able to garner a few laughs thanks to his boundless energy and enthusiasm. Unfortunately, there's only so much Hart can do with material that's been so thoroughly dumbed-down. A walking cliché of the 'renegade cop,' Ice Cube spends much of the film shouting 'Bullsh*t!' with a permanent scowl on his face and his character isn't very likable but he remains a solid straight man, knowing when to stay out of Hart's way and allow the fast-talking funnyman to improvise. The rest of the supporting cast adds little with their roles. Tika Sumpter's Angela is essentially a MacGuffin to keep Ben and James at odds with each other until the script calls for her to be another run-of-the-mill damsel-in-distress. John Leguizamo and Bryan Callen barely make an impression as James' fellow officers while the actor who plays crime lord Omar (which I won't spoil but a quick check on IMDB will reveal who it is) seems to be going through the motions for a paycheck.

Released on January 17, 2014, "Ride Along" has received largely dismal reviews with a paltry 17% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics noted that 'Kevin Hart's livewire presence gives [the film] a shot of necessary energy, but it isn't enough to rescue this would-be comedy from the buddy-cop doldrums.' Audiences thought differently however as it cruised to a record-breaking $48.6 million over the Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend, surpassing previous record-holder "Cloverfield," which was released back in 2008. The action comedy is poised to be the first $100 million hit of the year, with Universal already prepping for a sequel. While I understand that most people go to the theater to escape life's troubles, shouldn't there be sort of standard here? Not only did my audience thoroughly enjoy "Ride Along" but they were positively hysterical during the trailer for "A Haunted House 2." This makes me feel sad. "Ride Along" had the potential to be the first legitimately funny comedy of 2014 but instead it's a series of watered-down jokes coupled with generic action and tired buddy cop clichés. Honestly, Hart deserves better.

Final Rating: 2 out of 5

"Hey! You're white! You're white! You don't fight!"

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Devil's Due Review

Rated R (Language and Some Bloody Images)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 29 Minutes

Cast-

Allison Miller-Samantha McCall

Zach Gilford-Zach McCall

Sam Anderson-Father Thomas

Roger Payano-Cab Driver

Vanessa Ray-Suzie

Bill Martin Williams-Ken

Geraldine Singer-Sally

Julia Denton-Natalie

Colin Walker-Stanley

Madison Wolfe-Brittany

Joshua Shane Brooks-Braedon

Aimee Carrero-Emily

Robert Belushi-Mason

Donna Duplantier-Dr. J. Ludka

Robert Aberdeen-Dr. Dylan

Catherine Kresge-Tina

Kurt Krause-Jay

Tyler Forrest-Steve

Sloane Coe-Ashley

Michael Papajohn-Officer Miska

Douglas M. Griffin-Detective Zeman

Yohance Myles-Jim

Stacie Davis-Karen

DeMaris Gordon-Psychic

Justyna Kelley-Paris Wife

Shane Woodward-Paris Husband

Directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett

How did Rosemary handle her demonic pregnancy?

Note: At AMC Loews 34th Street 14.

Looks like that dastardly Satan is up to his usual shenanigans again, impregnating unsuspecting human women with his unholy sperm and bringing about the end of days with his army of baby antichrists. Hot on the heels of Christopher B. Landon's spin-off "Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones"—which debuted only two weeks prior and kicked off the 2014 new year—we have yet another found-footage horror film, "Devil's Due" from directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett. The duo—along with executive producers Justin Martinez and Chad Villella—are part of a filmmaking quartet dubbed 'Radio Silence,' who made quite a splash in the 2012 found-footage horror anthology "V/H/S." Their segment, titled "10/31/98," was a bat-sh*t crazy haunted house yarn and was one of two bright spots (the other being "Amateur Night") in an otherwise dull and overlong film. The strength of that short managed to catch the attention of producer John Davis, who offered Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett the chance to make their feature film debut with "Devil's Due," based on a script by newcomer Lindsay Devlin, whose only credit is the little-seen 2013 documentary "In So Many Words." While "Devil's Due" sports a pair of likable protagonists in the form of Allison Miller and Zach Gilford along with a slow-burning sense of dread, the film ultimately adds little to the found-footage subgenre and is content with coasting on the same horror clichés that we've seen dozens of times before.

To celebrate their recent marriage, Zach (Zach Gilford) and Samantha McCall (Allison Miller) travel to Santo Domingo, the capital city of the Dominican Republic, for their honeymoon but their exotic holiday takes an unsettling turn following a visit with a local fortune teller, who reads Samantha's palm and repeatedly warns her that 'they've been waiting for you.' When the newlywed couple find themselves lost on unfamiliar streets later that night, a friendly cab driver (Roger Payano) offers them a lift to their hotel. However, he insists that they check out an underground nightclub first. Samantha is hesitant but Zach convinces her to go as he wants to have one last night of fun before they fly back home. After partying for a while and downing a few drinks, the couple passes out drunk and wakes up the next morning in their hotel room with absolutely no recollection of what happened. Believing that their cabbie kindly drove them back at the end of the night, the newlyweds return to the United States, eager to start their new lives together. Several weeks later, Samantha discovers that she's now pregnant despite taking birth-control pills 'religiously.' Although Zach is surprised at this news, he is nonetheless overjoyed and begins to excitedly plan for the arrival of his first child. Unfortunately, all is not well with the future mother-to-be as Samantha begins experiencing nosebleeds, severe abdominal pain, and a sudden craving for raw meat even though she's a vegetarian. Zach tries to calm his wife, who gradually becomes convinced that something is seriously wrong with her unborn offspring, but his suspicions are aroused when he notices strangers lurking outside the house at all hours, along with a mysterious symbol that keeps reappearing on his home videos. Investigating further, Zach learns that not only is the symbol demonic in origin but that his unborn child might be the first of many antichrists.

Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett's "Devil's Due" is essentially a found-footage take on Roman Polanski's 1968 horror masterpiece "Rosemary's Baby." Since the debut of Oren Peli's "Paranormal Activity" in 2007, the found-footage subgenre has experienced its fair share of highs ("Chronicle," "End of Watch," "V/H/S/2") and lows ("Apollo 18," "The Devil Inside," "Paranormal Activity 4") but I think we can all agree that it's pretty much worn out its welcome at this point. What was once dominated by enterprising, cash-strapped indie filmmakers has now been coopted by big Hollywood studios that only care about making a quick buck. However, even when these studio-backed films bomb at the box office, they continue to make good money because the production budgets are so minuscule. Although it debuted in seventh place during its opening weekend, "Devil's Due" still made back its entire $7 million production budget…and then some! That being said, Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett's film is actually one of the better found-footage offerings in recent years, which is surprising since its coming from 20th Century Fox, a studio that's not normally associated with this type of subgenre.

Hiring Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett was certainly an inspired choice but producer John Davis should've gone one step further by having them do a rewrite of the script. As it stands now, the story from Lindsay Devlin adheres so closely to Polanski's film that it's virtually a remake. That's not the only the problem that "Devil's Due" suffers from as the picture undermines its own central mystery by opening with a needless flash-forward of a bloodied Zach in a police interrogation room. The question of whether Samantha's unborn child is the antichrist is also answered fairly early, leaving the audience to watch Zach as he slowly plays catch-up. While the middle act tends to spin its wheels for a little too long, Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett succeed in creating an escalating sense of dread with some inspired set-pieces, such as a holy communion that goes horribly wrong for the officiating priest (Sam Anderson) and three curious teenagers who meet a bone-crushing end in the woods. Unfortunately, most of the freaky occurrences fail to drum up much excitement and come off as rather clichéd. Of course, something happens when Zach walks away momentarily or when Samantha's niece starts roaming around their house with the camera's night vision turned on. Devlin's script contains a fair amount of plot holes as well. Zach's camera somehow magically turns itself on during the satanic ritual performed on Samantha and then he doesn't even bother to view the footage until story needs him to. For all its flaws, "Devil's Due" manages to close with a bang, with an ending that approaches the bat-sh*t craziness of their short film, only with more gore.

Partially elevating Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett's film is the performances. Zach Gilford and Allison Miller are immensely likable from the very first scene and are quite convincing as a newlywed couple. Stripped of its supernatural elements, "Devil's Due" would've actually made for a fine drama as it explores the strains of marriage and having children while being faced with an uncertain future. I also appreciated the fact that Zach isn't characterized as a thick-skulled husband; he quickly notices that his pregnant wife is not herself and wants to help her in any way he can but never in a million years would he come to the conclusion that the source of his troubles is Satan himself. A high-concept, studio-backed horror film that takes its characters seriously is something of a rarity these days. You are still invested in these people and actually care about what happens to them even when the film falters in its originality and logic.

Released on January 17, 2014, "Devil's Due" has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with a paltry 16% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics called it 'derivative and mostly uninspired' as the film 'adds little to either the found-footage or horror genres that it's content to mimic.' As I mentioned before, "Devil's Due" bombed in its opening weekend debut, coming in at seventh place with a gross of $8.3 million. However, it's not a total loss since the film only cost $7 million to make and has already earned more than double that amount ($18.7 million worldwide). "Devil's Due" is a hard film to pin down; it's not bad but it's not good either. This is a promising yet ultimately middle-of-the-road effort from Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett.

Final Rating: 2.5 out of 5

"Children, it is the last hour, and as you have heard that antichrist is coming, so now many antichrists have come. Therefore we know that it is the last hour."

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I, Frankenstein - An IMAX 3D Experience Review

Rated PG-13 (Sequences of Intense Fantasy Action and Violence Throughout)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 33 Minutes

Cast-

Aaron Eckhart-Adam Frankenstein

Yvonne Strahovski-Dr. Terra Wade

Miranda Otto-Leonore, the Gargoyle Queen

Bill Nighy-Prince Naberius/Charles Wessex

Jai Courtney-Gideon

Mahesh Jadu-Ophir

Caitlin Stasey-Keziah

Nicholas Bell-Dr. Carl Avery

Deniz Akdeniz-Barachel

Chris Pang-Levi

Socratis Otto-Zuriel

Steve Mouzakis-Helek

Goran Kleut-Rekem

Kevin Grevioux-Dekar

Bruce Spence-Molokai

Aden Young-Dr. Victor Frankenstein

Virginie Le Brun-Elizabeth Lavenza-Frankenstein

Directed by Stuart Beattie

Aaron Eckhart stars in "I, Frankenstein," another strong contender for one of the worst films of 2014.

Note: At AMC Loews 34th Street 14.

Is it just me or are January films getting increasingly dumber every year? First there was the massive sh*t stain that was Renny Harlin's "The Legend of Hercules" and now we have Stuart Beattie's equally horrible "I, Frankenstein," based on the Darkstorm Studios graphic novel of the same name by Kevin Grevioux. Apparently, said graphic novel doesn't even have to be published nowadays before being adapted into a film. I searched for it on every comic book website I could think of (as I needed the publication year for this review) but could only find a lone listing on ComicVine for I, Frankenstein: Genesis, a 2013 digital prequel for the film. The reality is that there is no graphic novel, at least not in the form that we know of. When Grevioux (who previously launched the "Underworld" franchise in 2003 with director Len Wiseman) sold the first draft of his screenplay to Lakeshore Entertainment in 2010, he used the graphic novel pages that he had as part of his initial pitch because the concept of 'Frankenstein as a superhero' was seemingly too difficult to grasp for the producers. The resulting film reflects their lack of intelligence as "I, Frankenstein" 'reeks of studio interference by a collective of clueless behind-the-curtain bigwigs who don't give a damn about creative expression (Dustin Putman). "I, Frankenstein" is another strong contender for one of the worst films of 2014, a listless, dramatically inert, and visually ugly affair that's punctuated by mind-numbing action scenes so loud that you'll leave the theater angry with a pounding headache. Mary Shelley must be rolling in her grave right now.

In 1795, the brilliant scientist Victor Frankenstein (Aden Young) brings to life a hulking creature stitched together from body parts culled from various corpses and awakened through the power of electricity. Horrified by his creation, Victor attempts to dispose of the creature by dumping it into the river under a bridge but still it lived and in retaliation, the creature kills Victor's wife Elizabeth (Virginie Le Brun). Victor chases the fleeing monster to the Artic yet freezes to death before he can exact his revenge. The creature later recovers its creator's body and carries him to his family's cemetery, where he is subsequently buried. Following the burial, two demons suddenly attack the creature but it is rescued by two gargoyles that were perched on a nearby castle. Taking on human form, the demon hunters—whose names are Ophir (Mahesh Jadu) and Keziah (Caitlin Stasey)—bring Frankenstein's creation to Leonore (Miranda Otto), the leader of the 'Gargoyle Order.' Naming the creature 'Adam' (Aaron Eckhart), Leonore explains to him that their order was formed by the archangel Michael in order to turn the tide in the ongoing battle against the demons, spawned from the depths of Hell itself. She asks Adam to join their ranks but he gruffly declines, choosing to go his own way. For over two hundred years, Adam wages a one-man war against the demons while the dark prince Naberius (Bill Nighy), in his guise as wealthy businessman Charles Wessex, attempts to replicate Victor Frankenstein's experiment with the help of human electro-physiologists Terra Wade (Yvonne Strahovski) and Carl Avery (Nicholas Bell). When Adam's hunt for his pursuers results in the death of an innocent human bystander, he is forcibly pulled back into the ancient war between the gargoyles and the demons. Chased by a rebellious gargoyle named Gideon (Jai Courtney), Adam seeks refuge with Terra and together they search for Frankenstein's long-lost journal before Naberius can use it for his nefarious plans.

With almost every comic book property adapted into a film already, Hollywood studios are increasingly turning to fairy tales and classic literature for inspiration by reimagining the main characters as—you guessed it—action heroes. I admit that I was actually looking forward to seeing "I, Frankenstein" as the premise, despite its inherent silliness, held some promise. Even if the film didn't turn out as good as I had hoped, at least there would be some cheap action thrills but Stuart Beattie's picture can't even meet that modest expectation. The brainchild of writer/actor Kevin Grevioux, "I, Frankenstein" is essentially a derivative rip-off of the "Underworld" films (which were already derivative to begin with), minus the interesting world-building and Romeo-and-Juliet romance. Instead of Vampires and Lycans, we get Gargoyles and Demons. Its ties to Mary Shelley's 1818 novel are tenuous at best as it compresses the entirety of her book into a two-minute prologue. Obviously, you expect a film with the title "I, Frankenstein" to be ridiculous and over-the-top but Beattie and Grevioux treat the material with the utmost seriousness, like they're adapting Fyodor Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment for the big screen. Well, the 'punishment' part isn't far from accurate, especially for those who willingly choose to grind through this unholy mess…like me. The dialogue is often overloaded with nonsensical exposition and it's hard not to laugh as characters matter-of-factly explain to others about the ongoing war between the gargoyles and the demons. The only intentionally humorous moment is when Dr. Terra Wade exclaims 'Oh sh*t!' upon seeing a demon for the first time. "I, Frankenstein" needed more scenes like that one. When you're dealing with a ludicrously silly premise like this, it's essential for the film to embrace its own silliness but Beattie ultimately turns what could've been a fun ninety minute ride into a cold and lifeless slog. He also does absolutely nothing with the setting as the nameless city in which the story takes place in only consists of empty alleyways and dilapidated office buildings. It's frankly astonishing that the gargoyles can't even locate where the demons are hiding when the city's two largest structures are their church and the Wessex Institute. Hell, they're basically right around the corner from each other! Even more head-scratching is that there's not a single human being to be found besides Wade, Avery, and some random bystander that gets killed almost immediately. The entire world is at stake so where the hell did everyone go? You expect me to believe that not one person is remotely curious as to why the sky is constantly filled with blue light shafts or whirling streams of fire?

The action scenes could've been the film's sole saving grace but even these fail to excite as they devolve into a mind-numbing jumble punctuated by loud explosions, amateurish CGI, and dreary visuals. Delayed for eleven months in order to be post-converted into 3D and digitally re-mastered for IMAX screens, both premium formats fail to bring much to the table and quite honestly, are a waste of money. Then again, this $65 million-budgeted picture is a waste of money. The cast tries their best to elevate the third-rate material but many of them are given almost nothing to work with. Aaron Eckhart has the physicality and gravitas to portray a superhero-like Frankenstein yet the script fails to give his character much of a personality and traps the actor with a permanently constipated grimace. Yvonne Strahovski is pretty…and that's about it really. One scene does tease some sexual tension between Adam and Terra, with Eckhart showing off his sculpted frame for the camera. However, this moment is swept aside like it never even happened. Miranda Otto is partially successful in making the inane dialogue work while Bill Nighy chews the scenery as if his life depended on it. Nighy is the only one who understands what kind of film he's in given his role in the "Underworld" films and acts accordingly. Unfortunately, the British actor ends up being saddled with a face full of makeup that makes his dialogue all but indecipherable.

Released on January 24, 2014, "I, Frankenstein" has received overwhelmingly dismal reviews with a pathetic 5% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics called it 'loud, incoherent, and dramatically listless, [the film] is a remarkably dull fantasy adventure that fails to generate much excitement or interest in its characters.' What's worse is that I had to pay twenty dollars to see this garbage as the advance screening was suddenly cancelled due to the recent winter storm. This shouldn't come as a surprise but Beattie's film is already a full-fledged box office flop and is estimated to earn less than $10 million over the weekend. There's nothing more to be said about "I, Frankenstein." This is an abysmal film, the second this year already, and is not only an embarrassment to everyone involved but to cinema as well.

Final Rating: 1.5 out of 5

"I, descender of the demon hoard. I, my father's son. I, Frankenstein…I am out there fighting to defend you."

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Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit - The IMAX Experience Review

Rated PG-13 (Sequences of Violence and Intense Action, and Brief Strong Language)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 45 Minutes

Cast-

Chris Pine-Jack Ryan

Keira Knightley-Caroline 'Cathy' Muller

Kevin Costner-Thomas Harper

Kenneth Branagh-Viktor Cherevin

Colm Feore-Rob Behringer

Nonso Anozie-Embee Deng

Lenn Kudrjawizki-Constantin

Alec Utgoff-Aleksandr Borovsky

Peter Andersson-Dimitri Lemkov

Elena Velikanova-Katya

Seth Ayott-Teddy Hefferman

Gemma Chan-Amy Chang

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Sir, what do you mean my porn got deleted?

Note: Screened on Wednesday, January 15, 2014 at AMC Loews 34th Street 14.

The winter months, especially January, are almost never kind to film critics. It's already been eight days and I'm still trying to wash out the massive sh*t stain that Renny Harlin's "The Legend of Hercules" left behind. Fortunately, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Originally set for a Christmas Day release, Kenneth Branagh's latest film "Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit" is finally arriving in theaters after Paramount Pictures opted to delay the action thriller in order to make room for Martin Scorsese's "The Wolf of Wall Street." The anti-James Bond, Jack Ryan was created by insurance broker-turned-novelist Tom Clancy (who tragically passed away last October) and made his first appearance in the best-selling 1984 novel The Hunt for Red October. "Die Hard" director John McTiernan subsequently adapted Clancy's book into a critically and commercially-acclaimed film in 1990, with Alec Baldwin starring as the titular CIA analyst. This was followed by the 1992 sequel "Patriot Games" directed by Phillip Noyce and based on the 1987 novel of the same name but Baldwin was forced out of the Jack Ryan role and replaced with the more bankable Harrison Ford, who later returned for 1994's "Clear and Present Danger," also directed by Noyce. Even though all three films were well-received by critics and audiences, Paramount strangely decided to reboot the character in 2002's "The Sum of All Fears," directed by Phil Alden Robinson. This time around, Jack Ryan was played by Ben Affleck but the film, while a box office success, had a lukewarm reception. The franchise lied dormant for five years as efforts were made to continue the series yet nothing came to fruition. Once again, Paramount decided to reboot the character in 2009, with the new film not based on any pre-existing Tom Clancy novel. As hard as the studio tries, Jack Ryan will never become the household name that James Bond grew into but "Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit" remains a fine action thriller that forms a solid-enough foundation for future installments.

September 11, 2001. Jack Ryan (Chris Pine), a student at the London School of Economics, learns on television that New York City's World Trade Center has just been attacked by terrorists. This proves to be a life-altering event for him as he decides to put his studies on hold and enlist in the United States Marine Corps. Eighteen months later in 2003, Ryan (now a Lieutenant) and two of his fellow soldiers are on a routine mission in Afghanistan when the helicopter they're in is suddenly shot down by a rocket-propelled grenade (RPG). Despite suffering a painful back injury that leaves two of his vertebrae broken, Ryan is still able to rescue his men from the crash but the doctor reveals that his days of fighting on the frontlines are effectively over. At the Walter Reed Army Medical Center, Ryan's rehabilitation is aided by third year medical student Cathy Muller (Keira Knightley), who takes an instant liking to her patient. Paying close attention to the former marine's recovery is Thomas Harper (Kevin Costner). After revealing himself to be CIA, Harper offers Ryan another chance to serve his country and sends him back to London in order to complete his PhD in economics. Ten years later, Ryan is working on New York City's Wall Street as a financial analyst but he is actually an undercover CIA agent tasked with following money trails that would indicate terrorist activity. He is also engaged to Cathy, who is kept in the dark about her future husband's double-life. Ryan becomes suspicious when he is unable to access a number of Russian accounts at work and traces them to a client named Viktor Cherevin (Kenneth Branagh). Traveling to Moscow under the pretense of performing an audit, Ryan learns that Cherevin is planning to launch a devastating terrorist attack that would destabilize the United States economy, sending the country into a great depression from which it can never recover from. In order to stop Cherevin, Harper 'activates' Ryan, warning him that he is no longer just an analyst anymore.

The Cold War may have ended over twenty years ago but its spirit is alive and well in Kenneth Branagh's franchise reboot "Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit." In stark contrast to Ian Fleming's womanizing MI6 agent James Bond, the Tom Clancy character was something of a socially awkward nerd in the novels. He's the kind of spy who stops terrorist plots with his mind rather than with his fists. Since this doesn't make for engaging cinema for mainstream audiences, the films tended to depict him as a brilliant but reluctant action hero. Although Ryan is still a highly intelligent CIA analyst in "Shadow Recruit," the reboot positions him in the financial world where America's greatest fear isn't communism or Al Qaeda, its economic collapse. That the villains happen to be Russian provides a nice callback to the character's Cold War roots. The script, written by Adam Cozad and David Koepp, is relatively straightforward despite packing a lot of material in its lean 105-minute running time. Branagh, who also plays the central villain, keeps the film briskly paced, allowing audiences to swallow all the details without calling too much attention to several plot contrivances that rear their ugly head, such as Ryan's magically healed back once the fists start flying. There are some great set-pieces, the first of which pits the CIA analyst in a sudden hotel room brawl with a physically imposing assassin named Embee Deng, played by Nonso Anozie. It's a tightly-edited sequence, with every punch and gunshot registering with tremendous impact in IMAX (although the premium format offers little tangible benefit beyond the improved sound quality). The second feels like something out of a John le Carré novel, where Ryan is forced to divulge his double-life to his fiancée Cathy and then enlist her as a 'distraction' for Cherevin while he hacks into the Russian financial mogul's computer. Unfortunately, the remaining set-pieces look like they were cobbled together by a totally different editor (they're not) as the car chases go on for far too long, with the final fight scene devolving into a jumble of blurred fists and quick cuts. Despite going to great lengths to ground the premise in the real world, Branagh can't help but indulge in cheesy spy tropes, casting the villain as a heavily tattooed gangster with a penchant for long-winded monologues. Apparently Cherevin hasn't watched "The Incredibles." The film also veers dangerously close to being a generic Jason Bourne clone but in spite of its many flaws, "Shadow Recruit" remains—as New York Times' Manohla Dargis writes—'a competently made, moderately diverting variation on a genre standard.'

Chris Pine is the fourth actor to portray Jack Ryan and his casting is by far one of the strongest attributes in "Shadow Recruit." Not only can Pine handle the physical demands of the role as proven in the "Star Trek" films but he's also able to convincingly convey Ryan's everyman decency while giving the character a charismatic, boyish charm. The gorgeous Keira Knightley shares a good rapport with Pine as Ryan's fiancée Cathy Muller, with the script smartly positioning her character as an active participant rather than someone sitting patiently on the sidelines. Still, the writers sadly can't avoid turning her into another run-of-the-mill damsel-in-distress, with the actress saddled with a distractingly unconvincing American accent. Why Branagh didn't just make Cathy British puzzles me. Kevin Costner lends a bit of gravitas as Ryan's mentor Thomas Harper, who's quite handy with a sniper rifle and even cracks a few jokes despite his no-nonsense demeanor. Finally, there's director Kenneth Branagh, whose role as Viktor Cherevin proves to be the sole cheesy element in a film that purports to be set in the real world. Branagh's Russian accent is fine, if laid a little too thick, but his character is so obviously a bad guy that he might as well grow an evil mustache while stroking a Persian cat. If he really wanted to take aim at corrupt corporate CEOs, Cherevin would've been better served by turning him into an American.

Released on January 17, 2014 after being delayed from its original Christmas Day release, "Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit" has received lukewarm reviews with 61% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics noted that 'it doesn't reinvent the action-thriller wheel, but [the film] offers a sleek, reasonably diverting reboot for a long-dormant franchise.' Even though Paramount has been aggressively promoting Branagh's film, it's set to debut with a little over $20 million during the busy Martin Luther King Jr. weekend, with the buddy comedy "Ride Along" set to overtake the franchise reboot by a wide margin. It's a shame considering that film has a pathetic 16% on Rotten Tomatoes. "Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit" has its fair share of problems and isn't quite as successful at contemporizing its spy hero like James Bond in "Casino Royale" but it delivers quality blockbuster entertainment at a time where most films scrape the bottom of the barrel. The foundation is now laid; maybe it's time for Ryan to hunt for a certain rogue submarine?

Final Rating: 3.5 out of 5

"Sometimes the ones closest to us are the ones we should trust the least. If you find the truth, will you believe it?"

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Inside Llewyn Davis Review

Rated R (Language including Some Sexual References)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 44 Minutes

Cast-

Oscar Isaac-Llewyn Davis

Carey Mulligan-Jean Berkey

Justin Timberlake-Jim Berkey

John Goodman-Roland Turner

Garrett Hedlund-Johnny Five

F. Murray Abraham-Bud Grossman

Ethan Phillips-Mitch Gorfein

Robin Bartlett-Lillian Gorfein

Jeanine Serralles-Joy

Adam Driver-Al Cody

Stark Sands-Troy Nelson

Max Casella-Pappi Corsicato

Jerry Grayson-Mel Novikoff

Helen Hong-Janet Fung

Alex Karpovsky-Marty Green

Benjamin Pike-Young Bob Dylan

Directed by Joel and Ethan Coen

Oscar Isaac delivers a career-defining performance in the Coen brothers' "Inside Llewyn Davis."

Note: Screened on Tuesday, December 3, 2013 at Regal Union Square Stadium 14.

'What do you want to be when you grow up?' If you were to go back in time and ask ten-year-old me that question, my answer—delivered without any hesitation—would've been comic book illustrator. I've been an avid comic book reader since I was four-years-old but despite my intense passion for my hobby, to this day it remains just that: a hobby. While my mother doesn't conform to the extreme 'Tiger Mom' stereotype exemplified by the likes of Amy Chua (thank god!), she did want me to pursue a career that at least provided some measure of financial stability. In her mind, 'comic book illustrator' wasn't it so she suggested I become a pharmacist instead. I spent two years in a pre-pharmacy program but as hard as I tried, I just couldn't see myself as a pill pusher for the rest of my life. I ended up switching my major to computer engineering at another school and while I don't have any regrets, I sometimes wonder what would've happened if I had pursued an art career instead. Would I become a wandering vagabond who spends his nights crashing on the couches of friends and acquaintances like Llewyn Davis in the Coen brothers' latest film "Inside Llewyn Davis"? Played by Oscar Isaac, Llewyn (loosely based on real-life singer/songwriter Dave Von Ronk) didn't dream of becoming a comic book illustrator; instead he was a wayward folk singer who eked out a meager existence in New York City's Greenwich Village during the early 1960s. Despite the character being kind of a dick, I still related to his struggle of sticking to your artistic ideals or settling for a more mundane but stable career. Anchored by a soulful performance from Oscar Isaac, "Inside Llewyn Davis" is equal parts funny and melancholy but at the film's heart is a tragic tale of a talented artist being dealt a cruel hand by fate while caught in a tug-of-war between art and commerce. It's a low-key affair from the Coen brothers but for anyone who's ever had their artistic dreams dashed by the harsh realities of 'real life,' this film will hit especially close to home.

Set during a pivotal week in February 1961, Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac) once had a promising career as part of a folk duo called 'Timlin & Davis' until his singing partner Mike Timlin (voice of Marcus Mumford) suddenly commits suicide by hurling himself off the George Washington Bridge. Eking out a meager existence in New York City's Greenwich Village, Llewyn struggles to make a name for himself as a solo act, picking up gigs wherever he can but success continues to elude him, with his recent album 'Inside Llewyn Davis' failing to sell. With no money for a place to call his own, the down-on-his-luck folk singer is forced to spend his nights crashing on the couches of friends, relatives, and casual acquaintances. Llewyn's sympathetic Upper West Side friends, Mitch and Lillian Gorfein (Ethan Phillips and Robin Bartlett), allow him to stay at their apartment but the couple's orange tabby cat rushes out the door when Llewyn is leaving the next morning. Locked out, Llewyn decides to take the cat with him for now and leaves the furry feline and his belongings at the West Village apartment of Jim and Jean Berkey (Justin Timberlake and Carey Mulligan), a popular folk singing husband-and-wife duo. Jean is none too pleased to see Llewyn, secretly revealing that she's pregnant and that he might be the father. He agrees to pay for her abortion and then sets out for Chicago with bullying jazz musician Roland Turner (John Goodman) and taciturn beat poet Johnny Five (Garrett Hedlund) in a last ditch attempt to save his crumbling folk career, before finally succumbing to a go-nowhere existence with the Merchant Marines.

During the ending of the Coen brothers' "Inside Llewyn Davis," a young Bob Dylan (Benjamin Pike) prepares to take the stage at Greenwich Village's Gaslight Café just as Llewyn leaves. Dylan would go on to become one of the most influential figures in popular music and culture, but the many folk singers who existed at the time failed to achieve the same level of success despite being just as good as him. Simply put, they were dealt a bad hand by fate. It takes serious talent, as well as skill, to create music; anyone can perfectly play Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 with hours of practice but not everyone is able to produce something uniquely original. Even harder is the ability to produce something original that people actually love. Llewyn Davis is certainly talented but the down-on-his-luck folk singer is seemingly condemned to suffer for his art due to forces outside his control. His prickly personality doesn't help his situation either. Set in New York City amidst a freezing winter in 1961, "Inside Llewyn Davis" opens with the titular character on the Gaslight Café's stage singing the traditional folk ballad Hang Me, Oh Hang Me to a small yet intimate crowd. They respond with polite applause, even though it's clear that Davis just poured his heart out to them with his melancholy vocals. Playing things close to the chest, the Coen brothers slowly reveal that Davis' singing partner Mike Timlin had recently committed suicide. No reason is given as to why Timlin killed himself but many characters, such as the Gorfeins and Jean, voice their fondness of him. Although Davis tries hard to advance his career as a solo act, he continues to be haunted by his partner's death and often angrily dismisses those who only want to help him. He fiercely clings to the past, partially out of elitism but largely because he's unable to move on.

Timlin's suicide isn't the only thing holding Davis back. In spite of his obvious talent and passion, people just don't want to hear covers of the same old folk songs; they want to hear original material. There's always been a clash between art and commerce. Davis wants to at least make it doing what he loves but the truth is that you can't, not without some compromise. Even more important is that people have to want to listen to you sing. There's a moment late in the film where Davis, after a long trip, finally arrives in Chicago to meet with music impresario Bud Grossman (F. Murray Abraham). He beautifully plays The Death of Queen Jane and just when you think that Davis' fortunes are about to turn for the better, Grossman bluntly tells him that he 'doesn't see a lot of money here.' Davis is at a loss for words and can only respond with 'Okay.' For an artist who's at the end of his rope, that has to be the most devastating thing to hear. This serves as a harsh reminder that talent can only get you so far; you also have to have luck on your side. Oftentimes, that's the difference between being a success and being a failure.

For the most part, "Inside Llewyn Davis" is a downbeat affair but it's also quite funny at times. Early in the film, the Gorfeins' adorable orange tabby cat runs out the door while Davis is leaving, forcing the already-harried musician to repeatedly chase after it. The two instantly form an unexpected bond, lending the picture an offbeat dimension while also providing a sad metaphor of Davis chasing his dreams and constantly screwing himself up along the way. Things take on an even weirder note once the folk singer hitches a ride with a nasty, blowhard jazzman named Roland Turner (who may or may not know black magic) and his mumbling beat poet driver Johnny Five. Almost immediately, Davis butts heads with Turner and their ensuing spat leads to several irreverently comic moments thanks to the Coen brothers' sharp, unpredictable dialogue. It's such a random encounter but then again, life is full of random encounters. The plot-less structure of the script reflects life's randomness yet also demonstrates how directionless Davis' life is. Serving in lieu of a traditional three-act story is the music and I have to say, the work that T-Bone Burnett and his team put in deserves the highest of praise. The songs are all modern recordings but not only are they appropriate for the time period in which the film takes place in, they also emphasize the current mindset of its main character. The aforementioned Hang Me, Oh Hang Me and Five Hundred Miles represent the aimless existence Davis is trapped in while the catchy tune Please Mr. Kennedy shows the divide between art and commerce. Folk music is mellow and intimate as opposed to mainstream pop, which is carefree and frivolous. Complementing the music is Jess Gonchor's exquisite production design as he literally turns back time with his depiction of New York City in the early 1960s. The hustle-and-bustle of the streets is accentuated by the chilly grey hues from Bruno Delbonnel's cinematography.  

I briefly mentioned that Llewyn Davis is kind of a dick to those around him. At his worse, he's irresponsible as he comes into people's lives without thinking about the consequences of his actions. In spite of the character's abrasive attitude, Oscar Isaac manages to soften Davis' rough edges with his low-key charisma. For the past eleven years, the actor has appeared in minor or supporting roles but "Inside Llewyn Davis" gives him a chance to prove that he's a force to be reckoned with. Isaac is not the type to chew the scenery; instead he blends into the picture and lets the little details speak for his performance. Llewyn may be outwardly bitter yet when Isaac allows the character to give himself over to his music, then it truly becomes a sight to behold and almost makes his flaws seem acceptable. The actor's soulful vocals capture the full weight of Llewyn's sadness as well as his musical passion. The rest of the supporting cast makes the most of their limited roles, with Carey Mulligan's Jean having a memorable scene where she scolds Llewyn by repeatedly calling him an asshole and how he should always wear double condoms wrapped in electric tape as a favor to all women. Hell, if she weren't so angry, I'd laugh! Despite all that rage, it's clear that Jean still has some affection toward Llewyn. Justin Timberlake is enjoyably clueless as Jean's husband Jim while John Goodman's blustering turn as Roland Turner provides plenty of laughs, lightening the mood in what is a melancholy picture about failure. Finally, there's Garrett Hedlund, who's obviously riffing on his role as Dean Moriarty from 2012's "On the Road."

Premiering at the Cannes Film Festival last May (where it won the prestigious Grand Prix award) and in limited release since December 6, 2013, "Inside Llewyn Davis" has received overwhelmingly positive reviews with 94% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics hailed the Coen brothers' latest effort as 'smart, funny, and profoundly melancholy.' The film received a minor nationwide expansion on January 10, 2014 but mainstream audiences have failed to connect with it. Honestly, I'm not surprised; people don't want to spend their hard-earned money and watch a depressing film. "Inside Llewyn Davis" is certainly one of the stranger pictures in the Coen brothers' oeuvre and I admit that I didn't know what to make of it initially. Repeated listening of the soundtrack greatly helped in understanding the film as well as allowing me to appreciate its subtler details. Despite its low-key tone, the Coen brothers have crafted one of the best films of 2013, one that stands as a harsh reminder about the sacrifices one must make for the sake of art.

Final Rating: 4.5 out of 5

"I am so f*cking tired. I thought I just needed a night's sleep but it's more than that."

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The Legend of Hercules 3D Review

Rated PG-13 (Sequences of Intense Combat Action and Violence, and for Some Sensuality)

Running Time: 1 Hour & 39 Minutes

Cast-

Kellan Lutz-Alcides/Hercules

Gaia Weiss-Hebe, Princess of Crete

Scott Adkins-King Amphitryon

Roxanne McKee-Queen Alcmene

Liam Garrigan-Iphicles

Liam McIntyre-Captain Sotiris

Rade Serbedzija-Chiron

Kenneth Cranham-Lucius

Johnathon Schaech-Tarak

Luke Newberry-Agamemnon

Mariah Gale-Kakia

Sarai Givaty-Saphirra

Dimiter Doichinov-King Galenus

Nikolai Sotirov-King Tallas

Radoslav Parvanov-Half Face

Spencer Wilding-Humbaba

Directed by Renny Harlin

Kellen Lutz may have perfect pecs but even they can't save "The Legend of Hercules," a strong contender for worse film of 2014.

Note: Screened on Thursday, January 9, 2014 at AMC Loews 34th Street 14.

In what is quickly becoming a common scenario, 2014 once again finds two competing Hollywood studios release films that bear a remarkable resemblance to each other, either in plot or subject matter. 2012 had dueling Snow White films "Mirror Mirror" and "Snow White and the Huntsman," last year the White House came under terrorist attack twice in "Olympus Has Fallen" and "White House Down," and this year the towering Greek mythological hero Hercules will be gracing us with his presence in "The Legend of Hercules" and Brett Ratner's "Hercules: The Thracian Wars," which stars Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. The former film is the first to arrive (Ratner's film is set to come out on July 25th) and is directed by Renny Harlin of "Die Hard 2: Die Harder" fame, whose career has been in a slow downward spiral ever since "Cutthroat Island" bombed at the domestic box office in 1995 with a paltry $10 million, against a then-expensive $98 million production budget. Harlin continues to receive steady work but his glory days are now long gone, with 1996's "The Long Kiss Goodnight" being his last film to receive positive reviews, although I did enjoy 2004's flawed-yet-still-watchable prequel "Exorcist: The Beginning." Unfortunately, "The Legend of Hercules" finds the director hitting rock bottom. With its drab cinematography, abysmal dialogue, amateurish special effects, and laughably sanitized violence, "The Legend of Hercules" is anything but legendary and is instead a dull, joyless slog that—to quote fellow critic Dustin Putman—'lives up to all that one fears about January film releases.'

In Ancient Greece circa 1200 B.C., the ruthless, power-hungry King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins) of Tiryns leads his army against Argos, conquering the city-state and taking its vast wealth for himself. To put an end to her husband's tyranny, Queen Alcmene (Roxanne McKee) pleads with the gods on Mount Olympus for help. Her prayers are answered by the goddess Hera, who addresses the desperate queen through a human vessel and informs her that she will allow Zeus to spend one night with her in order to conceive a child, a demigod whose destiny will be to restore peace throughout the land. Amphitryon, however, catches her in the act but the damage is already done. Nine months later, Alcmene gives birth to a healthy baby boy, whom she names Alcides. Twenty years later, Alcides (Kellan Lutz) has grown into a handsome prince who is deeply in love with Hebe (Gaia Weiss), the beautiful Princess of Crete. However, Amphitryon announces that Iphicles (Liam Garrigan), the scheming older half-brother of Alcides, will be the one to marry her instead. Alcides and Hebe try to run away but their escape attempt is foiled. With his presence a constant reminder of Alcmene's infidelity, Amphitryon decides to send Alcides off to war by assigning him to Captain Sotiris' (Liam McIntyre) legion. Sotiris and his men are ordered to quell a revolt in Egypt but unbeknownst to them, they are walking into an ambush. The entire legion, with the exception of Alcides and Sotiris, is killed. The two survivors are sold into slavery and forced to fight in an arena to the death but Alcides and Sotiris manage to impress their captors and bargain their way back to Greece, where they inspire the people to stand up to Amphitryon. Learning of his godly lineage, Alcides finally embraces his destiny and takes up his true name, secretly given to him by his mother when he was born: Hercules.  

The above synopsis of Renny Harlin's "The Legend of Hercules" certainly makes the film sound exciting but I whole-heartedly assure you that it is most definitely not. We're barely two weeks into 2014 and already we have a strong contender for worst film of the year. Credited to four writers (Daniel Giat, Renny Harlin, Sean Hood, and Giulio Steve), the flimsy narrative bears almost no resemblance to the original Greek myth. Hercules' birth is more or less faithful to the ancient stories, although the goddess Hera absolutely did not allow her husband Zeus to spend the night with Queen Alcmene in order to conceive a child for the sake of peace. In fact, Hera was a frequent enemy of Hercules and took every opportunity to torment him out of jealousy for Zeus' many illicit affairs, such as making the demigod kill his own children in a fit of madness. This led to the famous 'Twelve Labors' where Hercules tried to atone for his crimes. Despite its many fantastical elements, the original Greek myth is a tragedy but Harlin's film jettisons all that in favor of a cheap and derivative "Spartacus" knock-off. The opening battle scene, complete with arrows flying toward the audience, is ripped straight out of Zack Snyder's "300," except with worse special effects and no blood. Given its $70 million production budget, it's frankly absurd how artificial the CG environments look. At one point, Hercules finds himself battling six opponents in a gladiatorial arena in Sicily but what is supposed to be an epic moment is instead ruined by the laughably rendered CG crowd. Not only does it look incredibly fake but it appears to have been lifted from a last-gen version of "FIFA." Taking another page out of Snyder's playbook, Harlin frequently slows down the action scenes before immediately speeding it up. While this adds a bit of visual pizazz, it's not enough to save the film because it's the only trick Harlin seems to know. Plus, the lack of blood ends up being a distraction and robs whatever visceral power the action scenes had. The generic origin story gives you little to latch onto and the dialogue is dreadful. It's the kind of pseudo-Shakespeare that would leave the famous Bard rolling in his grave. Sam McCurdy's cinematography suffers from poor lighting, especially during the final battle scene, the editing is haphazard, and to add insult to injury, the 3D is rubbish due to the horrible motion blur. Who in their right minds thought this film was fit for a theatrical release? 

The eternally shirtless Kellan Lutz, famous for playing Emmett Cullen in the "Twilight" films, has the physique to play Hercules but not the necessary acting chops. In fact, his 'performance' is so wooden and uncharismatic that it actively takes you out of the already-thin narrative. As if the film wasn't worse enough, hearing Lutz profess his love for Gaia Weiss' Hebe will literally cause you physical pain. Speaking of Weiss, I'll admit that she's very attractive but the French actress/model is saddled with a terribly derivative damsel-in-distress role. Although Roxanne McKee, who played Daenerys Targaryen's handmaiden Doreah on HBO's "Game of Thrones," doesn't have much to do either, at least her character isn't as helpless as Weiss' and actually tries to do something to stop her tyrannical husband. Rade Serbedzija, last seen in the equally horrible "Taken 2," is wasted as Chiron while Liam Garrigan, sporting a bowl haircut that makes him look like the illegitimate child of Rowan Atkinson, hams it up as Hercules' scheming half-brother Iphicles. Martial artist Scott Adkins proves to be one of the film's few highlights yet it's Liam McIntyre—best known for replacing Andy Whitfield in the role of Spartacus in the Starz television series of the same name—who makes the most memorable impression as he actually tries to give his character Captain Sotiris some measure of depth. Why wasn't he cast as Hercules?!

Released on January 10, 2014, "The Legend of Hercules" has received overwhelmingly negative reviews with a pathetic 2% on Rotten Tomatoes. Critics called it 'cheap-looking, poorly acted, and dull,' and concluded that the film was 'neither fun enough to qualify as an action movie nor absorbing enough to work on a dramatic level.' The only person who seems to disagree with this consensus is the Village Voice's Stephanie Zacharek, who was apparently entranced by Kellen Lutz's bulging pectoral muscles. Box office wise, it'll likely debut with less than $10 million and then quickly fade away, as it should. Strangely, the audience actually applauded during the advance screening. I sure hope it was because they were glad that the film was over and not because they thought it was good. There's nothing more to be said about "The Legend of Hercules" besides the fact that this is a horrible film that stinks worse than the Augean stables and should be thrown into the fiery pits of Tartarus where it shall be never mentioned again.
 

Final Rating: 1.5 out of 5

"Hercules, you are the son of Zeus! Embrace your father and you will discover powers that you will never imagine."

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